Goodbye 2009!

This morning was the start of a new ideal for me. I have let myself down in the past month or so....dropping me out of the priority line...just what I push other people to NOT do.

So last night, I planned everything out. Laid out all my clothes, and had no excuse! Today is a half day, so I can go back to bed if I am tired. I was exhilerated with anticipation as I got closer to the gym, parked and walked...and my pass still worked!!!

I thought that it'd be hard...getting back into it, but the gym felt like home. No smell of freshly baked cookies...actually, a totally different smell. The smell of potential, the smell of a healthier existance, the smell of reaching my goal!

I started today with a bottle of water, the juice of half a lemon, and 1 1/2 packets of stevia with a banana before going to the gym. 1 more bottle of water while exercising, and I'm finishing my third bottle and it's only 9 am. Thank God, because I hate getting up at night to pee!

New for January 1, 2010!!

For the past few days, I have been investigating a raw vegan diet. Yes, I know....I remember vegans when I was younger....You didn't stand down wind from them...they didn't use soap or deodorant because it contained animal products, and they were generally very fragrant!

When the offer to join Fiterella on this journey, I said yes without hesitation. I have been in a slump lately, and have been unwilling to take care of myself. I haven't gone to the gym and I haven't exercised much.

I threw a fit at myself last week, and it still didn't make a difference.

Christmas is hard on me. I admit it. I don't want it to be, I want to be like my grandmother and have my house all decorated, but why? I am alone, and very few people come over. Most of my friends are married and have families. I feel like this is finally passing.

Once she posted that she was looking for people to join her on this 30 day raw vegan diet, I though that's it! That's what I need to do to shake everything up again. I read a number of websites, went to the library and got a few recipe books...checked out the whole food store in town and started planning.

Today and tomorrow I will be cleansing with just water and my vitamins, and on January 1st, 2010 I will start down this new road.

I feel I have the educational materials to be successful at this venture...and I watched Food, Inc which made me cry...and pulled me back to a time when I was political enough to be a vegetarian for a real reason...for 6 years.

Christmas

It's just around the corner, and I know I am as ready as I'll ever be.

I used to love Christmas when I was a kid. Coming from a broken home, I spend Christmas day at home with my mom and step-father. We would always fo to my nanny's house for Christmas dinner. This included all her 11 kids, all their wives and their kids too. This was one of the most fun, most exciting days for me. It wasn't about the stuff I was getting, but it was about having great memories of having fun with my cousins, aunts and uncles.

Once my nanny died, everything changed. She was the one that solved all the arguements between the kids, and with her gone, the splits between the family have grown. I haven't seen some of my uncles since then. Aunts and uncles have split up, cousins have grown up without me ever seeing them. They have developed into grown ups with lives of their own. I guess it's partly my fault too, for not looking them up.

I am closest to my cousins Melanie and Stephanie, although I only see them once or twice a year at best. We keep in touch with Facebook, so I know when I can throw in a thought or a suggestion...or be a reference for either of them.

I wish I could have one more day with my nanny...I got a bunch of super 8 film from my dad, and there was a bar-b-que on one of the films. Oh, how I wish it would have been super 8 with sound.

I forget what my nanny's voice sounds like ....

Life is What You make It...

I just finished reading an interesting book called, "the Hero within" by Carol S Pearson. She looks at the six archetypes we live by...Innocent, Orphan, Magician, Wanderer, Martyr and Warrior. Her outlines of each of these roles in society was quite succinct, and equally revealing.

The discussion in the book surrounding warriors was eye-opening.



A quote from her book is thus: "Heroes take journeys, confront dragons, and discover the treasure of their true selves. Although they may feel very alone during their quest, at the end, their reward is a sense of community."



She goes on to say that if we do not act our role, and just blend in to society, we feel numb. Hero's who are discouraged from slaying "their dragons....internalize the urge, and slay themselves by declaring war on their fat, their selfishness or something else that we have decided is the root of our not pleasing someone else.



In modern days, "slaying dragons" is a euphemism for large challenges.



My favorite saying has been the same for many years. "A hero does the right thing, even when no one is looking". I don't know who said it, but it is the way I try to live my life. I need to be MY hero, not someone else's.



I agree with Carol's outline of a hero, and the reasons for their downfall....and to an extent, my downfall. I have focused on what others want from me for many years, and it has not helped me in developing myself to where I need to be. I found an ideal hero, and learned from her. Enough so that I could stand tall, looking at the things I have achieved on the path that I have taken, and the joy that my future holds.



For many years, I felt my life stagnating, simply rotting away. My future felt weak and unappealing...I have since discovered how much my outlook affects my potential. I have envisioned success, in many different forms, and they are all starting to come true. Positive thinking is really a wonderful thing! Letting go of the things I cannot control has helped free me from worry and sleepless nights.



Having someone in my life that loves me for who I am, someone who wants me to grow as a person and not sit and wait to die is such a breath of fresh air. Someone who tells me "I'm proud of you!" and means it. Words can be so powerful, either uplifting or crushing the soul...depending on how they are meant or how they are taken.



In the last year, my life has gone full circle. I went from a stagnant pool, to a force to be reconed with. I laid the groundwork, opened my head and my heart and allowed the Universe to give me what my heart and sould truly needed.



My bashert

The 25 Things I'm Thankful For...

1. I can laugh everyday...even if it is at myself

2. It is what it is....if I can live by this rule...the world doesn't have to be a confusing place....It doesn't need to make sense to me.

3. My sweetheart

4. My ability to SEE the good in people, and then have them PROVE it to me on their own

5. everyone who has passed through my life, and taught me a lesson, easy or hard, it needed to be done.

6. my ability to paint away my pain

7. I can cry and feel miserable, but it eventually gets better

8. I have a safe home

9. I have friends who love me, and I them

10. I'm not afraid to die...I'd just like to delay it for a while

11. The feelings that come with falling in love...the rollercoasters...weeeeeee!!!

12. that I can see the light, and I know what my focus is supposed to be.

13. that I am learning patience. (it's sometimes akin to learning to LIKE being dragged backwards down the stairs...but it's a necessicary lesson)

14. Knowing that today I can make better decisions than I did yesterday, because today I know more

15. That Nikki thought of me, and asked me if I wanted to go to Dominican? on vacation with her and Emily

16. that I am able to live my life without medication

17. that I have progressed past the life sucks phase (hopefully to never return!)

18. that I can go to New York this summer and meet my twitter friends.

19. all the new experiences that I have had in the last year, that I didn't let myself chicken out of.

20. That I have a new job, that I will succeed in...even if it means I've got to teach it to myself

21. That I will be out of debt soon if I follow my own plan..

The Lessons That I've Learned,,,

Most of the lessons that I've learned in my 46 years have not been from who I have expected. When you're a kid, the biggest influence in your active decision making, is what you have seen from your parents.

I have learned many things from my mom and dad.

From my mom, I learned to be independent...I learned I could do anything if I just worked hard enough. I learned that education was the key to success. I also learned that fear can numb you to the bone, so that you hibernate from life. I learned how to be bitterly angry, and how to hold a grudge. I learned that one mistake, and I could be unceremoniously cut out of your life too, like all the friends you have turned aside.

From my father, I learned....how to treat people like they are inferior. How it feels to be so unimportant to your own father that he can't even remember your birthday. How limiting no education is.

Enter Peggy's parents...Mike and Irene....

Irene and Mike are such a wonderful couple. They joke and laugh and I'm sure they have had their problems along the way...but they never stopped loving each other. They never stopped supporting each other. They are a few years younger than my parents...and they are my example. MY BEST EXAMPLE.

I hope with all my heart, that I have the kind of relationship with someone that they have. The kind and accepting type of Love that can change someone who's spinning out of control. The kind of Love that lets people grow and still be close. The kind of Love that is not restrictive or oppressive...

So this blog post is dedicated to them. The ones that put me on the right path, even thought they probably had no idea how much of an effect they had on me when I was 18 and angry at the world. Thank You for being the best example I could have ever had.

First Vacation EVER!

It started as a joke really....Peggy's parents are in Florida, and I haven't seen the two of them together in probabily 15 years. We started planning it as a lark, counting air miles and such...just to see if it was really feasable.
If I'd have known what I know today, I never would have hesitated. Florida is amazing! I saw tons of cool things, although the culture shock is very much part of the journey. Everyone I met was fantastic, interesting and all around fun people. I so nearly met a twitter friend...lesbiantrucker...we were 10 miles from each other...but we will meet when it's in the cards.
Lizards...how cool! I've never seen one before...so cute and interesting!

And the beach! Now I understand what a beach is really supposed to be...In Ottawa, it's so not the same! Fine sandy beaches, rolling waves, sea shells, the smell of the salt water, and the total exaustion of a few hours around this beauty. So much to take in...one time is not enough...so we went three times! I want to remember walking on the beach when it's -40 degrees celcius in Ottawa. This may get me through.
I collected a few sea shells, and was facinated when we came across a sea star in the pile. Peggy carefully moved him back to the sea. We also freed a little tiny fish that was washed ashore.

I also met a new friend....

This is Peggy and her mom...so glad they are together. Don't they look cute? This is Fort Myers Beach..
The sunsets are worth moving here for...that and all the beautiful people....ok, more the sunsets...

Lastly, on those horrible days, those ones that threaten to drag me under...I want to remember to watch this...

I will post the Disney pictures and videos later!