Most People Never Really Know

It's always easier to see when things change when you look backwards in time...For me, I knew almost instantly. SHE would be a catalist in my life. The first time I talked to her, I saw it all. It's like in movies, when everything speeds up really quickly and then comes back to the right speed. The colors were strong and passionate. Mostly emerald green...but vivid and alive, like it was just freshly painted.


I knew at that moment how my life would change in the future. I saw it all. I knew because I felt it in my soul, and no one has opened up feeling like that in me.



Even as I read this for typo's I get chills. The thoughts run through my head like a locomotive, but getting them down is hard.

Am I Who I Think I Am?

People are always telling me things about myself, that I don't know if I believe or not.


I guess it comes down to self-image. I have always had a poor self image, and I guess a poor body image goes hand in hand with that too.


When I was little, I never felt good enough. I felt like I had no control of my own life, like I guess most kids do...but my parents were going through a nasty divorce, and they both played me against the other.


Food was a big thing in my house. Since my father rarely paid child support without "motivation", there were slim pickings some days. There was a no wasting in the house ever...which definately started some fights, because I was a very picky eater. I remember sitting infront of pea soup for 2 days...every meal...and I still didn't eat it.


Food was used as a humiliation and a reward, which can be confusing.


"You're gaining weight you know...Why don't you go outside and play?"


Oh, you got an A in math...here I baked you some cookies!"


And I guess the topper was my stepfather started calling me "Jennifridge".


That little jibe did more than tip the scale...literally.


So I ate.


And when I got older, I was the wild kid. I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I had high grades...87.5 average, without studying at all...so I decided I could finish high school without living at home. I moved out.


I worked a full time night job Sunday to Thursday and went to school Monday to Friday and partied like a rockstar friday and saturdays.


I graduated, and didn't even attend my grad...no one would go with me anyways. I slid my way through life, and never really had any goals...I used to tell my mother that I was going to die like Janis Joplin...why not? I felt like her...



When I am in the mood for a good cry, I listen to 2 songs by Jann Arden...Unloved and

I have a Secret!

This weekend I did something I have never done before. I always denied wanting to do this, and I used to look at other people funny when they told me that they have them, and ENJOY them. How can that be? The idea always perplexed me.
But on Saturday, I got up the nerve...I was by myself, so why not? Of course, the old "fat girl" fears will always be there, but I pushed past them. I just hoped to not run into anyone I knew.
I felt a bit of sweat appear across my forehead.
I made a bee line for the cashier...must get there before a line forms..(I don't know if I could handle the laughing...)
I waited for the cashier to look at them, and then look at me with the "are you kidding?" look, but none came....
Outside the store I wanted to yell, " I'm 46 and I just bought my first thong!"...but I thought that would attract unneeded attention..

NOT WORKING HARD ENOUGH

I have been not working hard enough on myself lately. I have been stressed at work, almost to beyond what I can stand, and I am letting it affect me. I am letting it lessen my drive in the gym, and I am letting it distract me from my goal. My health. The job is secondary, and so is almost everything else. Almost.
Today I put on my compression shirt( for you that do not know, a compression shirt is a very tight shirt that wicks sweat away.Best thing ever invented! I wear a t-shirt over it) , and went to the gym to blow off some steam. I am home now, and I want to go for a run in the park...Not my usual thing to do on a Sunday, or ever really...but I have the energy and I need to burn it off.
Metallica must be the reason...I always listen to them when I need motivation, those guys make me clean my house, do my laundry and run like hell on the treadmill. Funny, I was never a great fan before St Anger...
Strange things have been happening to me lately...I have always been camera shy, but lately, I have wanted to get my picture taken.

How do you approach things?

Everything is an opportunity to learn, and if you avoid certain situations, you are avoiding the lesson that goes along with it.
I try to be positive, but like everyone, I have fears that make me try to avoid certain things. Like public speaking... Not a fan...I get intimidated by people, especially if I don't feel educated enough on the subject of my talk.
Thursday, I finally got all my stuff together and went down to the passport office. I was not happy, and I figured I would be there all afternoon, just to get this bureaucratic procedure completed...Since the U.S. border is now closed to Canadians who don't have a passport, I was cornered.
After the car was parked, I realised that I was missing a beautiful day by focusing on the "sitting in the office waiting" part. I decided to have some fun. I went with my friend Peggy, and we had a nice walk to the office. The security guard was a joker, so we chatted with him for a few minutes and then went on in.
At the first desk, they took my forms, attached my documents, drivers license, birth certificate and then gave me them back with a paperclip and a ticket with a number on it.
B87
Looking at the board, they were at B77...Hmmm...I wonder how long this will take?
Well, not Even 15 minutes later, my number was called.
The Lady behind the desk was very friendly, and after I told her that I wanted to yell out BINGO! when she called my name, she laughed.
We chatted, and she asked my was this passport for me, and a few other questions...she then told me I should have it in 6 to 14 days...but probably closer to 6.
In and out of the passport office in an hour!
Next, I am going to try to get past this speaking in public thing...I am going to work on it and make it easier on myself.
Everything is in the way you look at it!

FRIDAY!

I love Fridays...everyone is always in a great mood...and no matter what, it's easier to stay focused because tomorrow starts 2 days of doing what I want to do.

I went to see my Doctor in the walk-in clinic last night and she hasn't seen me since I started on this journey. She asked me how I was losing the weight, and what was keeping me motivated. How much had I lost, and a number of other questions. We went over my food plan and my exercise plan and she was happy with both of them...saying they both didn't need any changes. We discussed my goals and when I though I was going to reach them. It was my first "fun" visit at the Doctors, I usually only go when I'm sick.

Losing weight for me, has become a focus, but not an all life encompassing experience. I do have some "treats" every once in a while, it's just in a better proportion than it used to be. A small piece of cake, not most of the cake.

I measure things in a different scale now.

How long will it take me to burn this off?

Is it worth it?

If I was dying tomorrow, would I still want to eat this thing that bad?

Every time I think I'm going to cave, I look at Kelly's picture and think WWKD?

I am loving this journey! This is an "all about me" trip, and for once, I think about me first.

Yes, it upsets some people, but tough nookie's baby. I can't live your life for you, and you don't live mine.

I know I still have food issues. I still want to celebrate with food. When I'm sad or down, I still want to cry with food. When I'm hurt, I still want to be comforted by food.

I've been trying to think of an answer to the questions of why and how?

Why now...

How do you keep motivated?

I don't know why now. I knew that I had a benchmark of 250...and to me if I reached that, I was fat. At 245, I though I had better do something. Finding Kelly was a godsend for me. She knew all the answers. She helped me by getting me on the right track with food and exercise. She has been my backbone, when I felt mine was lacking. She lent me her drive when I didn't know if I could do it, and had self-doubt. My trips to the gym became easier. The walk to the gym used to wind me...a flight of stairs used to wind me...forget about running, that NEVER happened in my life.

How do I keep motivated? That's a hard one. There are many answers...I KNOW that this is the best I've ever felt. I like seeing the reaction of people that I haven't seen in a long time. The mouth dropping open. I like going to get smaller clothes...I like having more control in my life...but what I haven't told anyone is...

trying something new...

Adventurous? Me?? Hm, sometimes.

It depends on the adventure.

I need to start discovering the things about myself that I don't know exist. The things I don't see, but others do. Someone very important to me, someone I love very much, told me something about myself that I think I have never acknowledged or for that matter, believed was there. To read the words typed on the screen was almost a shock. Denial. She must have meant that for someone else. That's not me, I'm not.

I've been called many things, but definitely not that! It wasn't cruel or hurtful, like most of the things I've been called in the past. Kids and teenagers are not very kind.

A small smile slid across my face. Wow, she thinks that?

She says I'm sexy