Thursday, December 31, 2009

Goodbye 2009!

This morning was the start of a new ideal for me. I have let myself down in the past month or so....dropping me out of the priority line...just what I push other people to NOT do.

So last night, I planned everything out. Laid out all my clothes, and had no excuse! Today is a half day, so I can go back to bed if I am tired. I was exhilerated with anticipation as I got closer to the gym, parked and walked...and my pass still worked!!!

I thought that it'd be hard...getting back into it, but the gym felt like home. No smell of freshly baked cookies...actually, a totally different smell. The smell of potential, the smell of a healthier existance, the smell of reaching my goal!

I started today with a bottle of water, the juice of half a lemon, and 1 1/2 packets of stevia with a banana before going to the gym. 1 more bottle of water while exercising, and I'm finishing my third bottle and it's only 9 am. Thank God, because I hate getting up at night to pee!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

New for January 1, 2010!!

For the past few days, I have been investigating a raw vegan diet. Yes, I know....I remember vegans when I was younger....You didn't stand down wind from them...they didn't use soap or deodorant because it contained animal products, and they were generally very fragrant!

When the offer to join Fiterella on this journey, I said yes without hesitation. I have been in a slump lately, and have been unwilling to take care of myself. I haven't gone to the gym and I haven't exercised much.

I threw a fit at myself last week, and it still didn't make a difference.

Christmas is hard on me. I admit it. I don't want it to be, I want to be like my grandmother and have my house all decorated, but why? I am alone, and very few people come over. Most of my friends are married and have families. I feel like this is finally passing.

Once she posted that she was looking for people to join her on this 30 day raw vegan diet, I though that's it! That's what I need to do to shake everything up again. I read a number of websites, went to the library and got a few recipe books...checked out the whole food store in town and started planning.

Today and tomorrow I will be cleansing with just water and my vitamins, and on January 1st, 2010 I will start down this new road.

I feel I have the educational materials to be successful at this venture...and I watched Food, Inc which made me cry...and pulled me back to a time when I was political enough to be a vegetarian for a real reason...for 6 years.

Friday, December 18, 2009


It's just around the corner, and I know I am as ready as I'll ever be.

I used to love Christmas when I was a kid. Coming from a broken home, I spend Christmas day at home with my mom and step-father. We would always fo to my nanny's house for Christmas dinner. This included all her 11 kids, all their wives and their kids too. This was one of the most fun, most exciting days for me. It wasn't about the stuff I was getting, but it was about having great memories of having fun with my cousins, aunts and uncles.

Once my nanny died, everything changed. She was the one that solved all the arguements between the kids, and with her gone, the splits between the family have grown. I haven't seen some of my uncles since then. Aunts and uncles have split up, cousins have grown up without me ever seeing them. They have developed into grown ups with lives of their own. I guess it's partly my fault too, for not looking them up.

I am closest to my cousins Melanie and Stephanie, although I only see them once or twice a year at best. We keep in touch with Facebook, so I know when I can throw in a thought or a suggestion...or be a reference for either of them.

I wish I could have one more day with my nanny...I got a bunch of super 8 film from my dad, and there was a bar-b-que on one of the films. Oh, how I wish it would have been super 8 with sound.

I forget what my nanny's voice sounds like ....

Monday, December 7, 2009

Life is What You make It...

I just finished reading an interesting book called, "the Hero within" by Carol S Pearson. She looks at the six archetypes we live by...Innocent, Orphan, Magician, Wanderer, Martyr and Warrior. Her outlines of each of these roles in society was quite succinct, and equally revealing.

The discussion in the book surrounding warriors was eye-opening.

A quote from her book is thus: "Heroes take journeys, confront dragons, and discover the treasure of their true selves. Although they may feel very alone during their quest, at the end, their reward is a sense of community."

She goes on to say that if we do not act our role, and just blend in to society, we feel numb. Hero's who are discouraged from slaying "their dragons....internalize the urge, and slay themselves by declaring war on their fat, their selfishness or something else that we have decided is the root of our not pleasing someone else.

In modern days, "slaying dragons" is a euphemism for large challenges.

My favorite saying has been the same for many years. "A hero does the right thing, even when no one is looking". I don't know who said it, but it is the way I try to live my life. I need to be MY hero, not someone else's.

I agree with Carol's outline of a hero, and the reasons for their downfall....and to an extent, my downfall. I have focused on what others want from me for many years, and it has not helped me in developing myself to where I need to be. I found an ideal hero, and learned from her. Enough so that I could stand tall, looking at the things I have achieved on the path that I have taken, and the joy that my future holds.

For many years, I felt my life stagnating, simply rotting away. My future felt weak and unappealing...I have since discovered how much my outlook affects my potential. I have envisioned success, in many different forms, and they are all starting to come true. Positive thinking is really a wonderful thing! Letting go of the things I cannot control has helped free me from worry and sleepless nights.

Having someone in my life that loves me for who I am, someone who wants me to grow as a person and not sit and wait to die is such a breath of fresh air. Someone who tells me "I'm proud of you!" and means it. Words can be so powerful, either uplifting or crushing the soul...depending on how they are meant or how they are taken.

In the last year, my life has gone full circle. I went from a stagnant pool, to a force to be reconed with. I laid the groundwork, opened my head and my heart and allowed the Universe to give me what my heart and sould truly needed.

My bashert