Monday, August 31, 2009

I Love Days Like Today...

Today I decided to ride my bike. The last time I rode to work, it was too hot and I just didn't enjoy the ride at all. When I was younger, my bike was my preferred mode of transportation, and I let it slip away when I got my first car.

But today seemed different. Since I've gotten under 185, I'm 184 now...It seems easier. Most of the huffing anf puffing is gone. It was cool enough that I needed a sweater, so I wasn't overheated. I only stopped once for a water break.

I have moved out of the Obese BMI and I'm now in the "overweight" BMI...COOL!

One of the dieticians asked me if I could come and talk to her "Healthy Living" group about motivation and weight loss....I'm thinking I'm going to do it! I'm not really a fan of talking to groups...In fact, it makes me very nervous...but I'll give it a try! Maybe I can be someone's inspiration like Kelly was mine.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Sometimes, I don't know what to do...

For the last few weeks, I have been reading blogs....blogs of women who have made a momentous decision to better their lives and the lives of their family members by eating healthier.

I usually read their blog, and then get to a point where they talk about the "healthy" food they are eating, and it's then that I usually become horrified! Much like I did when I started this journey, I went back and ate the things that I though were healthy, and really were not healthy choices at all.

So, my bewilderment I tell them, or wait for them to ask? I always hated the people who told me things when I wasn't ready....They usually started with, "You know, you'd loose more weight if...."

Bottom line is if it didn't grow out of the ground that way, or have a mother, don't eat it!

Excuses, excuses! Either you want it or you don't! Do you want to live to see your kids graduate and get married or do you want to be a distant memory for them?

Now, I know some people have to gradually get into this...nobody jumps on soy milk and protein powder the first day and falls in love...but I'm so worried that everyone is going to give up because of lack of results!

Peanut butter? 60 cals per some nuts and get the fiber that goes with it...It's better for you.

Bread? Cookies? Cake? Pop? Juice?Why are you sabotaging yourself at every step?

Everyday, every meal you make the choice. The choice to love yourself enough to eat what is good for you, or crap! If you can't love yourself enough to make the right choice TEXT ME...Because I love you enough to want to help! (please, no midnight to six am eating..I gotta sleep sometime!). My Twitter friends, my Team Mates, My Twitter Family...DM me, and I'll happily give you my phone number.

8 bottles of water a day...that doesn't include tea, coffee or soda!
(Except for when you first wake up, when you pee it should be clear if you're getting enough water!)
Carbs before a workout...fruit is a good choice...(give you quick energy)
protein after a workout (builds muscle which burns fat!)
Lean proteins...complex as well as simple carbs
6 small meals a day if you have to (I do!) , it'll help keep your metabolism running and burning. It's calories in, calories out..

Friday, August 28, 2009

Whe am I going to learn my lesson?

I woke up today in a funk.

Usually, I am a positive person, I focus on the positive things and it helps me get through the day. However, there are the days where I just don't want to do anything. I am bitchy, and I want to be alone, but not alone. I just want to be with you.

Most days I try to look at things by the motto, "It is what it is..." There are so many things I want out of life, the most important is to gain my physical freedom. I want to be the person that runs in all weather (and believe me, we have all weather here!) I want to be fit and healthy, and I have worked hard for what I have earned o far. My goals are my own. I own them, they don't own me.

On grumpy days, I need to exercise...On stressful days I need to exercise...On sick days I still need to do some exercise (maybe not as much, but some)

That is what gets me back to my center...that is what pulls me out of my head...that is what gives me the perspective I need some days.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The answer is 42...

If only it were that simple!
(For those of you who don't know, in the Movie "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, the answer to the meaning of life and everything...was 42.)
No two people walk the same path for a lifetime, therefore, no two people can ever learn the same lessons. My teacher tells me that we "choose" our parents, and I must admit I have a hard time with that one. I do know that I have grown as a person. I try to be more centered, and I work at not getting stressed over little things. I try to make others journeys enjoyable and try to help them learn the lessons that they need to. I see with open eyes, and I see a lot more than anyone else does. That can be a gift or it can be close to damnation.
I go to church, and I believe in God. I believe that God is in us, more than a God in heaven. That's why when someone does something wonderful for someone else, it's so special. You are doing God's work. I know there are people out there, who say I am not accepted for who I am...and that's OK. I don't judge people, that's not my job in life. I know doctors, hookers, dealers, Ministers and addicts and sometimes the more unexpected ones are the ones that I trust more. I have friends from many walks of life, and with different experiences...and they all have different lessons to learn, and different experiences which made them who they are. Someone asked on Twitter the other day...If you are the sum of your experiences, can you really, truly understand someone else's issues?
My answer to that is, while you may not be able to understand everything someone is going through, empathy for someone is truly the Grace of God. How wonderful is it that someone can "share" their lesson with you!
For me, the time I spend in the gym is time I spend with my grandmother and the three men from the past. They are always with me. She talks to me, and they stand behind me.
I believe that things are put in your path to see how badly you want something. It's sometimes hard to tell if it's something I should still go after or not. Is it important enough for you to climb that mountain, or get around that brick wall? If it is, you'll do it.
Inevitably, working out has to be a "for you" thing...but if deciding to do it for your son, mother, brother, or lover is the catalyst that gets your butt of the couch, that 's a start.
Just understand that, if you stick to this regime, things in your life are going to change. Some expected, some not. YOU need to be a priority. No matter what happens in your day to day, exercise is a relief and will become something you crave as an outlet. When you do better for yourself, other changes become a natural progression. Self-esteem is a wonderful side effect to exercise. When you feel better, you project better.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I think I could just blog all day... (can I get THAT job!?)

Facing the world with an open heart, waiting for the lessons, and recognising them is sometimes a hard thing to do...but today seems to be MY day. Everyone seems to be telling me their lessons today.

From the girl who delivers the meals to patients in the hospital, who was recognised at a party by a former patient. He told her he remembered her and she was amazed until he she slammed his lunch down on his table when she was having a bad day, and how that effected him.

My friend Laurie, who just turned 50 last week (and is as much my teacher in life as anyone!) who told me that she was going 49kph on her bike on the way to work today (while doing push-ups because she didn't have time to get to the gym!)

I spoke with my trainer Kelly a number of months ago, when I was thinking of leaving my 5 year relationship...after months of working out and feeling healthier. She said she kind of expected it. Not that Nancy isn't a good person, but that I've changed and I expected more for myself and out of myself. When one person has a radical changeing life experience, and that what working out can be, other things in your life become less satisfying, and decisions have to be made. Your standard for YOU goes up, and sometimes other people are just not in the right mindspace to be traveling the path with you. She did try, but it just wasn't for her. So the decision I stay where I'm not happy, not supported and not feeling fulfilled just to make someone else happy, or is it my turn to be happy? It took me a long time to work my way up to that conversation. I know how much Nancy loved me, and still loves me, but I have to be happy. If I stayed, I would only end up resenting her, and then when it did end, it would end badly. I spent many nights unable to sleep, and the conversation was the focus of my mind.

That was not a great conversation...and I wouldn't wish it on anyone..either end of it. There was a lot of crying involved...some by me, but more by Nancy. I've had longer to work it out in my head. And yes, I kicked myself for not talking to her about it earlier, but I just couldn't figure out how.

I guess the morale of the story is you have to follow your own path...and who really knows what that'll be from one moment to the next?

Today, I Amazed Myself...

It doesn't happen as often as it should, but I am trying to change my brain so that it happens more often. Yesterday I was talking to the dietitian I work with at the hospital (the picture of health, and athletic too!) We were discussing my workout routine, and I was telling her about the 90lb squats...she looked impressed, then after talking about it, she realised I meant 90lbs total, not on each today I decided to try it..90 lbs each side, so 180lb.

Maybe I was underestimating myself and my abilities again..who knows? So, I tried 180 lb squats...and I couldn't do 3 sets of 12, but I could do 2 sets of 10!

That means, I am squatting 3 lbs more than my own body weight! WOW!

That is opening options in my mind. What else am I underestimating in myself? Maybe I am setting my limits too low on life itself? I need to think long and hard on this...because this and the decisions about what I have accepted as "my best" need to be re-examined. Maybe I can start to bike to work again...I am getting tired of walking...but I'm just not all that co-ordinated with biking...maybe I need to kick a few things up and see what happens!

New goal: Try to push myself out of my comfort zone more..after all, my comfort zone is that of someone who was 50lbs heavier, and look at what I have achieved!

Maybe it's time to start those speed sprints that I've been thinking about for months now.

I've got to investigate wrapping my ankles to avoid injury...(klutzy, remember?)

This is a glorious day! A day of self-discovery is always a great day if you follow it up with a PLAN!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Things my teacher tells me

Part of getting fit for me has always been healing the emotional side too. There are a lot of things that have happened in my past that I simply don't talk about...not to anybody.

Like the saying goes, "Everyone has a skeleton, and a closet to put it in".

I sometimes wonder if I would be a different person, if I'd have had other options...who knows?

My "Teacher" says that I chose my parents...because I had certain lessons that I needed to learn, and I knew they could teach me. That blows my think that I could choose my father as a role model for anything except the village idiot.

I have worked very hard to get to where I am today. I was a very angry teenager, and I felt cheated by life and circumstance. That easily started me down a road to distruction...self-distruction no less. I had no hope, no future, and I used to tell my mom that I planned on being dead before 26. I think I may have come close on a few occasions.

I don't know what happened to turn things around...It's almost like my soul had a "walk-through"...(one soul decided it wanted to go, and another one took over)

I think that there is no way to loose weight without dealing with the "why" factor. I know myself...I know that I can eat for any emotion...pick one.

So, now I look at food and think many things....

why am I craving this?

What is pushing me?

Do I really need this...or am I trying to fill a whole in my soul?

I've tasted that before, why do I need to have it again?

Eating is a quick and available way to modify how I feel, and therefore to deal with my emotions....but it's true that nothing will ever taste as good as thin feels...(or will feel...I'm not there yet!)

Monday, August 24, 2009

Summer is almost gone...

School started today for the kids...that is the end of summer sign in Ottawa. Fall will be quickly approaching now. While I love summer and the heat that comes with it, I am looking towards winter for the first time in my life. Come on November!

Going to Florida to stay with Peggy's parents for a week is probably the only thing I have to look forward to in winter...not the -40 degree temp, not the walking to work in winter...(I'm thinking maybe snow shoes so I can cross the fields of the farm easier) I hated walking in the winter last year...I can handle the cold, but I'm afraid of falling and hurting myself.

Soon the leaves will start to change color and the Gatineau hills will have every variation of red, orange and yellows imaginable. It's very beautiful...
This morning, for a change I worked out with Footdr69...her in Florida and me in Ottawa.
10 minutes walking, then 1 minute running, then 3 minutes power walk. Invigorating! And I do like to have company, even if my company is 3000 miles away.
I'm learning to like to run. I've never liked it before...OK, maybe once in grade school..I don't know whether it's the fact that I actually can run, or the fact that I never though I would like it...but I'm getting there. I know I don't have to like it to do it...(Jillian says I don't because she doesn't!) I found today, that if I lowered the speed on the treadmill, that I enjoyed it more, because it felt more like a jog not a race. So I set up 2 treadmills, one at a comfortable 3.5 speed and the other at a 5.0 speed for jogging. I walk for a minute on one then carefully switch to the other and run for a minute. I am always happier when there is nobody at the gym at the same time as me, but I'm getting over it. I'm starting to not care who's watching anymore.
Then I go do my weights. I rotate the body part I am exercising so that I don't overwork any one area, also it gives the muscle time to re cooperate and grow. If I start not sweating while doing weights, I hop back on the treadmill for a minute or two. If you're not sweating, you're not working hard enough!
The hardest workout I ever did, (and would like to try again actually, now that I'm more fit!) was 1 minute running on the treadmill, then off for a set of weights 3 sets of 12 reps of whatever...then back on the treadmill for a minute...keep going until done. This keeps your metabolism pounding! ( but I puked twice because I just wasn't used to it)
OK y'all...I'm off to report my points for yesterday and do some work...LATER!!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

My Promises to You...

To my love,

I don't make promises without a lot of thought. There are so many things I can't give you...

I can't give you the moon and the stars - I can promise to bring peace and warmth to your life

I can't promise you'll never feel pain - I can promise to help take the pain away

I can't promise you that I'll have all the answers - but I can promise to never be the question

I can't promise you that I'll always understand you - but I can promise to always listen

I can't promise you that I'll never grow old - But I can promise that my love for you will never

I can't promise you that your journey will be easy -but I can promise that you'll never walk alone
I can't promise you all the "material" things - but I can promise you everything money can't buy

I can't promise you eternal life - but I can promise you eternal love

Friday, August 21, 2009

Seeing Family Achieve

I have a crazy crazy that they sometimes scare me to be around them. Most days I prefer the friends I call my family. After all, that's what friends are...the Family you choose to spend time with.

My dad is not what I would wish on anybody as a father...In reality, he is neither. I've gotten to the point that he exists, and that's really all the support I can expect. He is very self absorbed, uneducated and racist.

My mom, although she tries very hard to be supportive, is surrounded by her own fears. I have always pushed her boundries by being myself, much to her discontent. Although I think the mohawk I had as a teenager (peacock blue no less..) pushed her just about as far as I could. She's had to open up her heart and mind to still be able to love me. I was a wild child...mohawks, tattoos, I had a safety pin through my cheek for a while...If someone was going to be my friend, they had to be able to look past a lot of things. (But I still have most of those friends to this day!)

My twitter family is making a huge impact on my life...I think this is what family is supposed to be. The place I can tell my darkest secrets, and not be judged too harshly. The place where every success is a celebration; the blossoming of a soul...the emerging of a new found self-awareness. The place where an "unsuccessful" try at something gets a ralley of support anyways. Just think, how strange is it that someone losing weight or running for the first time on the other side of the world should impact my life in such a way. This is the true butterfly effect...

In twitterville, I can be anything...I can give up the labels of insecure, fat, unfocused, and this can help to change my self-image of me. I walk taller, having you all behind me. No matter what, I have someone to talk to when things are at their best, worst or anywhere inbetween.

I think I'm falling in love with my twitter family! :)

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Speaking of Love Affairs..

I'm having one right now!

and I wish I knew if it was the right thing for me or not. The pain can be so delicious...

Passed my biggest challenge...

Walking to work everyday is becoming a strange love affair...I love it and I hate it at the same time. I hate the starting, I hate getting out of bed, I hate the sweating....I love the walk through the farm, and most of the wonderful smells of flowers and plants. I love the focus time, I love the motivation and the "soul" conversations I have with myself. It's a whole new mindset that I'm trying to grow. In school, I took Gym up until I could take art or music instead, then I never looked back. Gym was always my nightmare because I was not good at any of it.

This path of's not an easy path by any means. Some days, it's like scaling Everest! When I started, I could barely walk up a flight of stairs without breaking into a sweat and needing to rest. Now, I can run on the treadmill after walking to work 3 miles...

I know I DID THAT!

I have goals, and I write them down. Each New Years, I write 5 goals, ranging from easy ones to hard ones. I don't always reach them all in the year, but I reach the easy and middle ones, and try to make some sort of progression on the hard ones. (They usually include an action plan to help me see the "steps" I need to take.

The hard part for me is I am a "want it now" person...Long term goals have never been my strong point. That's where the action plan comes in handy. To achieve the larger goal, I can break it down into smaller manageable goals. I need to see a progression to not loose interest.

My last boss, although a mean and nasty woman, taught me some useful tools. "Don't bring me problems, bring me solutions", was her favorite saying. Sometimes I don't always know the whole solution, but reading is self-discovery wrapped in a cover.

Some days, I don't feel very tall...those are the days I stand on top of my achievements, no one can take those away from me. Those are the days when my friends, both online and in the flesh, are so important. Those are the days that I may need to borrow your drive, your fire, or your strength to just get through the day and rediscover my own.

Likewise, my drive, fire and strength are there for you when yours cannot be found.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

At least 2 days a month I go crazy...

Now, I am not a stupid person, I can see a lot of things about other people...but why can I never expect that the crazy time is coming? I know its all hormone related, but I just want out of my skin for those two days. I couldn't make a rational decision if my life depended on it.

I can see souls...i can see emotions in people and they don't have to utter a word. I can see the hurt in someone, the confusion, and especially, I can see when someone is lying to me.

I learned all of this from my grandmother before she left everybody else...she has never left me.

She has always communicated to me, and did her best to keep my feet on the ground. When there is something very stressful going on in my life, she communicates with me through...pennies. Yes, I know it sounds crazy...but that's what we agreed upon. When my mom was hit walking accross the street by a city bus, I was freaked out! In the hospital, beside my mother's bed was a penny. I got a hold of myself, knowing that everything was going to be ok. There have been many such instances...even fter my grandmother's funeral...when we came out there was easily $5 worth of pennies on the ground...

This morning, I got an american penny....

Monday, August 17, 2009

So the weekend was interesting!

I've always had the ability to see....

the good in people,
to see when someone is lying to me
and to see what I can do to help someone push themselves over the top.
Too bad I can't always do it for myself.

This past weekend was 2 days of discovery, and while I kept up the things I do for myself like my exercising, I feel like I let myself down.

BEFORE...this would have thrown me into a tailspin, and I would be back in the fast food restaurant because what did it matter anyways?

My opinion has changed greatly. I understand life has setbacks, at least mine does...It forces me to make choices. Walls are put up in front of me to see how much I want I give up, or do I go over, or under, or around to reach MY dream? (Right about here is when I have the Rambo picture in my mind with the wall exploded into a million pieces)

I have given up on myself over and over again in the past...and I probabily will in the future too...but now, I take ther time to feel crappy about it, and then I get the hell over it and get back in the game!

I am an emotional eater. Pick an emotion and there is a snack food out there with my name on it. For me, I have to eliminate anything that I can just go grab from the kitchen that is not "grown out of the ground, or had a face" (sorry all you vegans!). I cook my meals for the week on one day and package them so they are as convienient as possible. Yes, I still on occasion, stand infront of the fridge with the door open looking for that something special...but I know it's different now. Before it was a can of coke and chips or something it's a few spoonfuls of hummas with pickles and maybe a bit of pita bread if I am feeling very crazy!

I understand falling off the diet/exercise wagon...It's not always easy planning your food and meals ahead of time, getting up early to exercise because you know you NEED to, eating before going out to dinner so that you don't cave in and have something you'll regret. Who doesn't want to be one of those people who can eat whatever they want, whenever...I just want to push them down the stairs ;)

The bottom line for me is that I need to do it for me, I can't do it for anyone else or make anyone follow my path if they don't want to.

The more I walk this journey, the more I know I don't walk it alone. At first, I had very little support...I had my trainer Kelly. Everyone of my friends tried not to roll their eyes and think , here we go again. She was the person who pushed me and answered all my questions...she was the person that wouldn't let me give up on myself.

When my resolve was at its lowest, she lent me hers...That is the sign of a true friend.

The fabfatties contest has brought me into a whole new realm...of friends and support. People who have walked the path before me, and some who are just starting out on this journey. Teamwork to me means reaching back and sharing the lesson with someone else who may be having a hard time. No one walks alone.

The self-discovery can be both enlightening and disturbing. What you can learn on this journey is important, and will affect every aspect of your life, I know it did mine. It has made me look at relationships, both good ones and bad ones. I have made many decisions to let people go out of my life if they are unable to be supportive in my quest for better health. I have started to clean out my emotional cupboard, to dust off the important things and to remove the negative distractions. I have left a stagnant relationship to no surprise of Kelly...she explained that when you change yourself and expect better, you need to change your surroundings too.

I've found new superhero's...and maybe someday, I'll be one of them!

It’s not too late….
This post Comes to you via the F A B U L O U S @footDr69…
Welcome to team DOWNSIZING DIVAS! @fabfatties #ffchallenge3 is on!
It doesn't matter what you've done up to this point!! Monday starts a New Week and WE are gonna HIT THE GROUND RUNNING!! I'm VERY EXCITED to have you guys on our team!! You Are ALL LEADERS!! Let's take the bull by the horns and MAKE A CHANGE!! Not just within ourselves, but also in the lives of everyone that we touch!! When You send Tweets during the next 21 days, please add #ffchalleng3 to your tweets whenever possible! This is our Badge Of Honor!! Let's show the twitter world who we are and what we are about! It will show that thru TEAMWORK, WE ARE ONE!! Please remember to go to and post your points in the challenge blog DAILY! This will make you eligible for the drawings! Please post even if its only 1 point! IT ALL COUNTS!! ;-) NO JUDGEMENTS! Just CONGRATS!

Here is a List of Points (Entries) That you may count per day:
1. Recruit someone to the challenge (until 8/19): 5 points
2. Pounds lost during 21 day challenge: 1 point/per pound
3. Inches lost during 21 day challenge: 1 point/per inch
4. Set A Goal for what you want to achieve during the challenge: 2 points
5. Meeting that goal: 3 points
6. Tweet about this challenge on Myspace, Facebook, Twitter (must use hashtag #ffchallenge3): 1point (up to 10 points/daily)
7. Drink 8 glasses of H2O: 1 point
8. Eat 5 servings of fruits & Veggies: 1 point
9. Exercise 30 min. or more a day: 2 points
11.Blog about this challenge or linky love @fabfatties on your blog: 3 points
12. Eat a healthy breakfast: 1 point
13. Don't drink soda pop: 1 point
14. Leave a comment on someone's blog: 1 point per blog.
Whenever you do something POSITIVE FOR THE CHALLENGE, @ us (@footdr69 & or @IamSucceeding) so that we may RT and share it with the Team! If you don't @ us, at least one of us, we may miss it! Please don't let that happen!
Here are a list of your Teammates! Please FOLLOW EVERYONE and SUPPORT EACH OTHER!!! That's what TEAMWORK is ALL ABOUT!!
It’s NOT TOO LATE TO ADD TWEEPS, so let me know if you have Newbies!
If you write a blog post or You read one that you would like to share with the TEAM, please @ me with it so that I may share it with others! You may be JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED! ;-)
If you would like an excel spreadsheet to track your points, send @JeepJenn your email address and she will get it right to you!!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

It's been a long time...

I recognise the signs...tingly all over, goosebumps...smiling in the rain...thinking constantly about one person. The heat is overpowering, and I don't mean the temperature..butterflies in my stomach...that fluttery feeling of having no control...thinking of what it will be like to touch her...

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I'm a sucker for a great personality things are very interesting in my life at the moment. I have a romantic interest, and I'm going to take the time to see where it more jumping the gun. The interest seems to be shared both ways, however, this person is in a relationship at the moment. That's a stop sign right there for me.
OMG she's so hot I get the chills thinking about her..I look stupid in 100 degree weather with goose bumps,. but I don't care....

Here's keeping fingers crossed!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Too many years of trying to be the perfect daughter...too many years of expecting you to be my "dad" and you not even being my father...

I've decided that it's time. You are freed of the burdon, nothing is expected from you, which should be easy, since you are so good at delivering that.

The Final Slap in the Face

I’ve seen what reality is
And I have to stop trying to make it change
I think I’ve been cheated out of life
And I want to trade you in, an exchange…

I can’t make you care,
By the way you treat me it’s apparent
That you should have never been
Any impressionable kids “parent”

At least I didn’t live with you,
I didn’t learn your party line.
Where I used to be jealous of “your kids”,
Without your influence I know I shine.

I am who I am in spite of you,
Not because of you, like a good parent should.
I solved my own problems and stood on my own,
And it’s time I admit it’s YOU I’ve outgrown.

I expect nothing from you anymore,
I shouldn’t be disappointed.
You’re not much to replace,
A real man will be appointed.