Wednesday, September 30, 2009

What Would Your Obituary say?

I just read an obituary today, and it was a wonderful look on a person's life...I wonder if they wrote it themselves?

What would my obituary say if I dies tomorrow? I want it to be more like the one on the link...for selfish reasons I guess.
I want to know that I've done most of the things I've wanted to do during my journey through this life..I want to look back and say, I have no regrets..I learned from every moment, every event is burned into my mind.

I think I need to write my obituary how it is now...and how I want it to look, and work at making it the one I want, not the one I'm settling for!

Monday, September 28, 2009

A Funny Thing Happened to Me After I Gave Up...

I was raised with the "You can do anything gene". I didn't get that from my parents, but I got it from my grandmother. So, all my life I have been looking for the right one, the right person who would make me feel whole. (I have learned that I am a whole person, and someone else can compliment me, but never be my fulfilment!)

All through grade school, I knew something was different. I hung out with the guys at school, and a few girl friends...but there was definitely something different. I enjoyed guy things...climbing trees, exploring..occasionally, my girlfriends would corner me and do a manicure on me, but it always felt wrong.

I wondered what was wrong with me for a long time...and when I finally got it, I figured that my future was over. I had wanted to be married and have a few kids...with the little house with the white picket fence...but that was now never going to happen. For any one of you who have had a dream die, you know how awful this can be. (of course, I didn't see me married with a husband, but that didn't seem to phase me at all)

When I broke up with Nancy, I decided that I was not going to look for anyone anymore. I needed to let go of that dream, because that was never going to happen for me.

I started my twitter account in April sometime, and I thought twitter was kinda lame. I eventually got the hang of it, and started chatting with a number of women who were on a weight loss journey, like I was. When she and I started chatting, I knew there was something different about her too. I felt it, and a few days later she came out to me. We talked a lot, and eventually the conversations got more personal.

All my life, I have been able to "see" people...See their aura's, see their souls...see the good in them without ignoring their bad things...see their intentions and see why they are driven in certain areas and not others. When she finally sent me a picture of her, "seeing" her was amazing! There are very few people who's aura's shine with an intensity like hers. It was so made me cry.

I know the waiting is hard. I want to be with her, and I believe she wants to be with me, but like everything in life, there are complications. Different cities, different countries, and personal relationships all come into play. For now, we talk on the phone and stay in touch with Twitter. We send e-mails and pictures to keep each other involved. I need to clear up financial matters, and she needs to learn some lessons from her own personal situation.

For you all who don't know, I have been to many psychics, and most of them have told me the same thing. I have three men behind me at all times. Each is dressed in period costumes, ranging from a cowboy to a gentleman dressed in a late 1800's suit, and the third one whom I've never seen. He stays completely out of my peripheral vision.

Saturday night, I had probably the most significant dream in my life. I was thinking about how I was going to know that this is the one. I "feel" it in my soul, but my brain needs the gratification of knowing too. Then there came the dream. Each moment of the dream built on the next, everything was there for the knowing. My grandmother was there. The right place, the right moment, everything was perfect. I woke up with tears in my eyes, it was so beautiful. I wrote it all in my other blog, the one I keep just for me. I wrote every detail as I remembered it...Now I just have to wait and know when it's the right time.

Friday, September 25, 2009

The Biggest Loser Challenge

Hmmm..Posting pictures of myself has never been something I like doing. But, I'm going to suck it up and do it. To make things worse, Blogger doesn't offer the feature to lock a post...

Arm = 11 1/4
Waist = 38
Hips = 40
Thigh = 20
Calf = 13 1/2
Weight: 187

I have lost 61 lbs so far...and while I know that's huge, I don't see it in a mirror, and I don't know if I ever will.

Like most people, I am an emotional eater, and I find stress the hardest to deal with. When I'm stressed, my heart pounds and I look for an escape. I need to make exercise my release because I have been doing less healthier aversions. I have been smoking. While I am not a hardcore smoker, I can pick up a pack and then once it's gone, not smoke for another year. but I know it's not healthy and it makes a joke out of my exercise regime.

So, here today...before all of you (and especially before you, my Love!) with my hand in the air, I promise to not smoke anymore...I will go for a run, or go to the gym, or cry if I have to, just to get past it and not smoke.

I am spending the day at work organising myself...I feel spread so thin that I am not focused on anything. I am completing action plans on all my deliverables. Tonight after I get home, I will focus on creating a plan for finances (work on my budget)update my workout plan, check on my C25K progress and finally get a list going of the things I need to get done this weekend.

Refocusing on my priorities will help me feel emotionally balanced, and that will translate into less stress.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Distance Sucks!

I don't need to hold your hand,

because you hold my heart

Sunday, September 20, 2009

when life turns a corner

I've never been someone to look forward to things...I learned early in life that is somethings best "not done" by someone like leaves me open to disapointment.

Everything that had been my goal or my salvation, didn't appear. I know what you're thinking...and it's true. I didn't work hard enough, i didn't focus and I let myself be pulled off the journey by others wants and dreams...well that is over, and the focus is on me.

I can't live someone elses life, I can't fix their issues or them...I can only work on me...and that's what I'm doing. Sometimes I lose motivation, sometimes I just can't get up and out of bed, sometimes there's no stopping all depends on the day, hour or minute I'm living in.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Most People Never Really Know

It's always easier to see when things change when you look backwards in time...For me, I knew almost instantly. SHE would be a catalist in my life. The first time I talked to her, I saw it all. It's like in movies, when everything speeds up really quickly and then comes back to the right speed. The colors were strong and passionate. Mostly emerald green...but vivid and alive, like it was just freshly painted.

I knew at that moment how my life would change in the future. I saw it all. I knew because I felt it in my soul, and no one has opened up feeling like that in me.

Even as I read this for typo's I get chills. The thoughts run through my head like a locomotive, but getting them down is hard.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Am I Who I Think I Am?

People are always telling me things about myself, that I don't know if I believe or not.

I guess it comes down to self-image. I have always had a poor self image, and I guess a poor body image goes hand in hand with that too.

When I was little, I never felt good enough. I felt like I had no control of my own life, like I guess most kids do...but my parents were going through a nasty divorce, and they both played me against the other.

Food was a big thing in my house. Since my father rarely paid child support without "motivation", there were slim pickings some days. There was a no wasting in the house ever...which definately started some fights, because I was a very picky eater. I remember sitting infront of pea soup for 2 days...every meal...and I still didn't eat it.

Food was used as a humiliation and a reward, which can be confusing.

"You're gaining weight you know...Why don't you go outside and play?"

Oh, you got an A in I baked you some cookies!"

And I guess the topper was my stepfather started calling me "Jennifridge".

That little jibe did more than tip the scale...literally.

So I ate.

And when I got older, I was the wild kid. I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I had high grades...87.5 average, without studying at I decided I could finish high school without living at home. I moved out.

I worked a full time night job Sunday to Thursday and went to school Monday to Friday and partied like a rockstar friday and saturdays.

I graduated, and didn't even attend my one would go with me anyways. I slid my way through life, and never really had any goals...I used to tell my mother that I was going to die like Janis Joplin...why not? I felt like her...

When I am in the mood for a good cry, I listen to 2 songs by Jann Arden...Unloved and

Monday, September 7, 2009

I have a Secret!

This weekend I did something I have never done before. I always denied wanting to do this, and I used to look at other people funny when they told me that they have them, and ENJOY them. How can that be? The idea always perplexed me.
But on Saturday, I got up the nerve...I was by myself, so why not? Of course, the old "fat girl" fears will always be there, but I pushed past them. I just hoped to not run into anyone I knew.
I felt a bit of sweat appear across my forehead.
I made a bee line for the cashier...must get there before a line forms..(I don't know if I could handle the laughing...)
I waited for the cashier to look at them, and then look at me with the "are you kidding?" look, but none came....
Outside the store I wanted to yell, " I'm 46 and I just bought my first thong!"...but I thought that would attract unneeded attention..

Sunday, September 6, 2009


I have been not working hard enough on myself lately. I have been stressed at work, almost to beyond what I can stand, and I am letting it affect me. I am letting it lessen my drive in the gym, and I am letting it distract me from my goal. My health. The job is secondary, and so is almost everything else. Almost.
Today I put on my compression shirt( for you that do not know, a compression shirt is a very tight shirt that wicks sweat away.Best thing ever invented! I wear a t-shirt over it) , and went to the gym to blow off some steam. I am home now, and I want to go for a run in the park...Not my usual thing to do on a Sunday, or ever really...but I have the energy and I need to burn it off.
Metallica must be the reason...I always listen to them when I need motivation, those guys make me clean my house, do my laundry and run like hell on the treadmill. Funny, I was never a great fan before St Anger...
Strange things have been happening to me lately...I have always been camera shy, but lately, I have wanted to get my picture taken.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

How do you approach things?

Everything is an opportunity to learn, and if you avoid certain situations, you are avoiding the lesson that goes along with it.
I try to be positive, but like everyone, I have fears that make me try to avoid certain things. Like public speaking... Not a fan...I get intimidated by people, especially if I don't feel educated enough on the subject of my talk.
Thursday, I finally got all my stuff together and went down to the passport office. I was not happy, and I figured I would be there all afternoon, just to get this bureaucratic procedure completed...Since the U.S. border is now closed to Canadians who don't have a passport, I was cornered.
After the car was parked, I realised that I was missing a beautiful day by focusing on the "sitting in the office waiting" part. I decided to have some fun. I went with my friend Peggy, and we had a nice walk to the office. The security guard was a joker, so we chatted with him for a few minutes and then went on in.
At the first desk, they took my forms, attached my documents, drivers license, birth certificate and then gave me them back with a paperclip and a ticket with a number on it.
Looking at the board, they were at B77...Hmmm...I wonder how long this will take?
Well, not Even 15 minutes later, my number was called.
The Lady behind the desk was very friendly, and after I told her that I wanted to yell out BINGO! when she called my name, she laughed.
We chatted, and she asked my was this passport for me, and a few other questions...she then told me I should have it in 6 to 14 days...but probably closer to 6.
In and out of the passport office in an hour!
Next, I am going to try to get past this speaking in public thing...I am going to work on it and make it easier on myself.
Everything is in the way you look at it!

Friday, September 4, 2009


I love Fridays...everyone is always in a great mood...and no matter what, it's easier to stay focused because tomorrow starts 2 days of doing what I want to do.

I went to see my Doctor in the walk-in clinic last night and she hasn't seen me since I started on this journey. She asked me how I was losing the weight, and what was keeping me motivated. How much had I lost, and a number of other questions. We went over my food plan and my exercise plan and she was happy with both of them...saying they both didn't need any changes. We discussed my goals and when I though I was going to reach them. It was my first "fun" visit at the Doctors, I usually only go when I'm sick.

Losing weight for me, has become a focus, but not an all life encompassing experience. I do have some "treats" every once in a while, it's just in a better proportion than it used to be. A small piece of cake, not most of the cake.

I measure things in a different scale now.

How long will it take me to burn this off?

Is it worth it?

If I was dying tomorrow, would I still want to eat this thing that bad?

Every time I think I'm going to cave, I look at Kelly's picture and think WWKD?

I am loving this journey! This is an "all about me" trip, and for once, I think about me first.

Yes, it upsets some people, but tough nookie's baby. I can't live your life for you, and you don't live mine.

I know I still have food issues. I still want to celebrate with food. When I'm sad or down, I still want to cry with food. When I'm hurt, I still want to be comforted by food.

I've been trying to think of an answer to the questions of why and how?

Why now...

How do you keep motivated?

I don't know why now. I knew that I had a benchmark of 250...and to me if I reached that, I was fat. At 245, I though I had better do something. Finding Kelly was a godsend for me. She knew all the answers. She helped me by getting me on the right track with food and exercise. She has been my backbone, when I felt mine was lacking. She lent me her drive when I didn't know if I could do it, and had self-doubt. My trips to the gym became easier. The walk to the gym used to wind me...a flight of stairs used to wind me...forget about running, that NEVER happened in my life.

How do I keep motivated? That's a hard one. There are many answers...I KNOW that this is the best I've ever felt. I like seeing the reaction of people that I haven't seen in a long time. The mouth dropping open. I like going to get smaller clothes...I like having more control in my life...but what I haven't told anyone is...

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

trying something new...

Adventurous? Me?? Hm, sometimes.

It depends on the adventure.

I need to start discovering the things about myself that I don't know exist. The things I don't see, but others do. Someone very important to me, someone I love very much, told me something about myself that I think I have never acknowledged or for that matter, believed was there. To read the words typed on the screen was almost a shock. Denial. She must have meant that for someone else. That's not me, I'm not.

I've been called many things, but definitely not that! It wasn't cruel or hurtful, like most of the things I've been called in the past. Kids and teenagers are not very kind.

A small smile slid across my face. Wow, she thinks that?

She says I'm sexy