Thursday, December 31, 2009

Goodbye 2009!

This morning was the start of a new ideal for me. I have let myself down in the past month or so....dropping me out of the priority line...just what I push other people to NOT do.

So last night, I planned everything out. Laid out all my clothes, and had no excuse! Today is a half day, so I can go back to bed if I am tired. I was exhilerated with anticipation as I got closer to the gym, parked and walked...and my pass still worked!!!

I thought that it'd be hard...getting back into it, but the gym felt like home. No smell of freshly baked cookies...actually, a totally different smell. The smell of potential, the smell of a healthier existance, the smell of reaching my goal!

I started today with a bottle of water, the juice of half a lemon, and 1 1/2 packets of stevia with a banana before going to the gym. 1 more bottle of water while exercising, and I'm finishing my third bottle and it's only 9 am. Thank God, because I hate getting up at night to pee!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

New for January 1, 2010!!

For the past few days, I have been investigating a raw vegan diet. Yes, I know....I remember vegans when I was younger....You didn't stand down wind from them...they didn't use soap or deodorant because it contained animal products, and they were generally very fragrant!

When the offer to join Fiterella on this journey, I said yes without hesitation. I have been in a slump lately, and have been unwilling to take care of myself. I haven't gone to the gym and I haven't exercised much.

I threw a fit at myself last week, and it still didn't make a difference.

Christmas is hard on me. I admit it. I don't want it to be, I want to be like my grandmother and have my house all decorated, but why? I am alone, and very few people come over. Most of my friends are married and have families. I feel like this is finally passing.

Once she posted that she was looking for people to join her on this 30 day raw vegan diet, I though that's it! That's what I need to do to shake everything up again. I read a number of websites, went to the library and got a few recipe books...checked out the whole food store in town and started planning.

Today and tomorrow I will be cleansing with just water and my vitamins, and on January 1st, 2010 I will start down this new road.

I feel I have the educational materials to be successful at this venture...and I watched Food, Inc which made me cry...and pulled me back to a time when I was political enough to be a vegetarian for a real reason...for 6 years.

Friday, December 18, 2009


It's just around the corner, and I know I am as ready as I'll ever be.

I used to love Christmas when I was a kid. Coming from a broken home, I spend Christmas day at home with my mom and step-father. We would always fo to my nanny's house for Christmas dinner. This included all her 11 kids, all their wives and their kids too. This was one of the most fun, most exciting days for me. It wasn't about the stuff I was getting, but it was about having great memories of having fun with my cousins, aunts and uncles.

Once my nanny died, everything changed. She was the one that solved all the arguements between the kids, and with her gone, the splits between the family have grown. I haven't seen some of my uncles since then. Aunts and uncles have split up, cousins have grown up without me ever seeing them. They have developed into grown ups with lives of their own. I guess it's partly my fault too, for not looking them up.

I am closest to my cousins Melanie and Stephanie, although I only see them once or twice a year at best. We keep in touch with Facebook, so I know when I can throw in a thought or a suggestion...or be a reference for either of them.

I wish I could have one more day with my nanny...I got a bunch of super 8 film from my dad, and there was a bar-b-que on one of the films. Oh, how I wish it would have been super 8 with sound.

I forget what my nanny's voice sounds like ....

Monday, December 7, 2009

Life is What You make It...

I just finished reading an interesting book called, "the Hero within" by Carol S Pearson. She looks at the six archetypes we live by...Innocent, Orphan, Magician, Wanderer, Martyr and Warrior. Her outlines of each of these roles in society was quite succinct, and equally revealing.

The discussion in the book surrounding warriors was eye-opening.

A quote from her book is thus: "Heroes take journeys, confront dragons, and discover the treasure of their true selves. Although they may feel very alone during their quest, at the end, their reward is a sense of community."

She goes on to say that if we do not act our role, and just blend in to society, we feel numb. Hero's who are discouraged from slaying "their dragons....internalize the urge, and slay themselves by declaring war on their fat, their selfishness or something else that we have decided is the root of our not pleasing someone else.

In modern days, "slaying dragons" is a euphemism for large challenges.

My favorite saying has been the same for many years. "A hero does the right thing, even when no one is looking". I don't know who said it, but it is the way I try to live my life. I need to be MY hero, not someone else's.

I agree with Carol's outline of a hero, and the reasons for their downfall....and to an extent, my downfall. I have focused on what others want from me for many years, and it has not helped me in developing myself to where I need to be. I found an ideal hero, and learned from her. Enough so that I could stand tall, looking at the things I have achieved on the path that I have taken, and the joy that my future holds.

For many years, I felt my life stagnating, simply rotting away. My future felt weak and unappealing...I have since discovered how much my outlook affects my potential. I have envisioned success, in many different forms, and they are all starting to come true. Positive thinking is really a wonderful thing! Letting go of the things I cannot control has helped free me from worry and sleepless nights.

Having someone in my life that loves me for who I am, someone who wants me to grow as a person and not sit and wait to die is such a breath of fresh air. Someone who tells me "I'm proud of you!" and means it. Words can be so powerful, either uplifting or crushing the soul...depending on how they are meant or how they are taken.

In the last year, my life has gone full circle. I went from a stagnant pool, to a force to be reconed with. I laid the groundwork, opened my head and my heart and allowed the Universe to give me what my heart and sould truly needed.

My bashert

Monday, November 23, 2009

The 25 Things I'm Thankful For...

1. I can laugh everyday...even if it is at myself

2. It is what it is....if I can live by this rule...the world doesn't have to be a confusing place....It doesn't need to make sense to me.

3. My sweetheart

4. My ability to SEE the good in people, and then have them PROVE it to me on their own

5. everyone who has passed through my life, and taught me a lesson, easy or hard, it needed to be done.

6. my ability to paint away my pain

7. I can cry and feel miserable, but it eventually gets better

8. I have a safe home

9. I have friends who love me, and I them

10. I'm not afraid to die...I'd just like to delay it for a while

11. The feelings that come with falling in love...the rollercoasters...weeeeeee!!!

12. that I can see the light, and I know what my focus is supposed to be.

13. that I am learning patience. (it's sometimes akin to learning to LIKE being dragged backwards down the stairs...but it's a necessicary lesson)

14. Knowing that today I can make better decisions than I did yesterday, because today I know more

15. That Nikki thought of me, and asked me if I wanted to go to Dominican? on vacation with her and Emily

16. that I am able to live my life without medication

17. that I have progressed past the life sucks phase (hopefully to never return!)

18. that I can go to New York this summer and meet my twitter friends.

19. all the new experiences that I have had in the last year, that I didn't let myself chicken out of.

20. That I have a new job, that I will succeed in...even if it means I've got to teach it to myself

21. That I will be out of debt soon if I follow my own plan..

The Lessons That I've Learned,,,

Most of the lessons that I've learned in my 46 years have not been from who I have expected. When you're a kid, the biggest influence in your active decision making, is what you have seen from your parents.

I have learned many things from my mom and dad.

From my mom, I learned to be independent...I learned I could do anything if I just worked hard enough. I learned that education was the key to success. I also learned that fear can numb you to the bone, so that you hibernate from life. I learned how to be bitterly angry, and how to hold a grudge. I learned that one mistake, and I could be unceremoniously cut out of your life too, like all the friends you have turned aside.

From my father, I to treat people like they are inferior. How it feels to be so unimportant to your own father that he can't even remember your birthday. How limiting no education is.

Enter Peggy's parents...Mike and Irene....

Irene and Mike are such a wonderful couple. They joke and laugh and I'm sure they have had their problems along the way...but they never stopped loving each other. They never stopped supporting each other. They are a few years younger than my parents...and they are my example. MY BEST EXAMPLE.
I hope with all my heart, that I have the kind of relationship with someone that they have. The kind and accepting type of Love that can change someone who's spinning out of control. The kind of Love that lets people grow and still be close. The kind of Love that is not restrictive or oppressive...

So this blog post is dedicated to them. The ones that put me on the right path, even thought they probably had no idea how much of an effect they had on me when I was 18 and angry at the world. Thank You for being the best example I could have ever had.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

First Vacation EVER!

It started as a joke really....Peggy's parents are in Florida, and I haven't seen the two of them together in probabily 15 years. We started planning it as a lark, counting air miles and such...just to see if it was really feasable.
If I'd have known what I know today, I never would have hesitated. Florida is amazing! I saw tons of cool things, although the culture shock is very much part of the journey. Everyone I met was fantastic, interesting and all around fun people. I so nearly met a twitter friend...lesbiantrucker...we were 10 miles from each other...but we will meet when it's in the cards. cool! I've never seen one cute and interesting!

And the beach! Now I understand what a beach is really supposed to be...In Ottawa, it's so not the same! Fine sandy beaches, rolling waves, sea shells, the smell of the salt water, and the total exaustion of a few hours around this beauty. So much to take time is not we went three times! I want to remember walking on the beach when it's -40 degrees celcius in Ottawa. This may get me through.
I collected a few sea shells, and was facinated when we came across a sea star in the pile. Peggy carefully moved him back to the sea. We also freed a little tiny fish that was washed ashore.

I also met a new friend....

This is Peggy and her glad they are together. Don't they look cute? This is Fort Myers Beach..
The sunsets are worth moving here for...that and all the beautiful people....ok, more the sunsets...

Lastly, on those horrible days, those ones that threaten to drag me under...I want to remember to watch this...

I will post the Disney pictures and videos later!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Should as a word

Words are powerful...and there are many words in the English language that ooze confidence and strength. However, there is one word that I find offensive in the strongest way.

It is used to give advice, personal opinion or a recommendation to someone else, or ourselves. It expresses a personal opinion and is much weaker and more personal than 'must' or 'have to'. It is often introduced by ' I think'.

It is the word "should".

This word takes away our personal power. I often say it to myself, and I've made a conscious effort to stop using it in my dialogue. It is usually accompanied with an admonishing tone in my mind....
"I should have...done something different".
"I made the wrong choice, I THINK I should have done the other thing instead".

Both of those sentences are examples of taking away your own power. I have chosen to do something, and by second guessing myself...I rob myself of the lesson that comes with the choice.

"You should do...." is just as bad. That is taking away someone else's power over their own choices.

The brain is a powerful it the wrong information is like handing a kid a loaded gun. Change negative self-talk to positive affirmations...every little bit helps!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

1,608 miles...It doesn't look that substantial on Google Maps at all.

Somedays it feels wider than the whole world...some moments a piece of paper wouldn't slip comfortably between us.

I work hard at understanding the "why's" behind something that, really I'm not supposed to know...Like why we have to live so far away from each other. I know I have lessons to learn and no matter how much I want to say, "Ok, I've got it...Can I move on now?" that isn't the way things seem to work.

So I will try to learn my major lesson, PATIENCE. I am not really a patient person by nature...but it is something I am learning...moment by painful moment. I will breathe deeply and try not to freak out at the injustice of it all...and look at the big picture...where I am happy that I've seen your soul...seen your kindness and caring for others...seen everything that encompasses you...PERFECTION!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

October 7th, 2009

Today Shannon and I started our second workshop. The first few classes always make me nervous...and I am always so glad when it's over. Almost forgot the picture again, so this is in the parking lot at the hospital just before going home...Someone sent me a few wonderful pictures that distracted me from my nervousness...alot. Thank You!

I'm having trouble...

October 6th, 2009
A Long day, and yes, I forgot the picture detail of my I got it in at 11:57pm...

Monday, October 5, 2009

October 5th Picture

This is my first I thought it completely fitting that it be taken by Kelly, the bestest trainer ever! That's her behind the desk of the tanning studio....and look! I'm standing infront of the other thing I avoid (but am getting better at)...a mirror!
Wow! That sweater used to be tight...Hmmm...


They are my dread...I feel like someone can see my soul from my pictures...and see what I'm thinking. It's sometimes overpowering how much I don't like getting my picture taken. Yesterday, at my friend Linda's house, I watched a slide show of her baby Hannah's pictures. She seemed to enjoy having her picture taken, even hamming it up for the camera. What ever happened to that feeling for me? I think it disappeared when I started judging myself so harshly.

So when it came up in conversation, I decided to do something about it....I am going to challenge take a picture of me everyday and post it on my blog.

I know this is not a "physically healthy" challenge, but it definitely is a mentally healthy challenge...Anyone out there want to do this too? I'd love to have company!

1. The picture must contain you
2. You can have anyone else in the picture, if it makes you more comfortable
3. Since this is public domain, no naked ones please!
(unless you're e-mailing them just to me! ;) )
4. For God sake, have fun with this, that's the purpose.
5. Maybe finding something to celebrate each day will make it easier.
6. I propose doing this until October 31st...
(yes that means your Haloween costume counts too!)
7. You can post them on your blog...or send them to me and I will post them on my blog..

Proposed Outcome: I am hoping to start liking getting my picture taken...or at least, be less shy about it. I am hoping that it will help me get a more realistic understanding of my body image...and change the one that's in my head...5 sizes larger and 60 lbs heavier.

Hey, what can it hurt???

Friday, October 2, 2009

Happiness...It IS all It's Cracked Up to Be!

I received this e-mail yesterday, and it struck a chord with me....

The Psychology of Happiness
by Dr. Susan Biali
I’m open about the fact that my life used to feel pretty miserable, and that at one point I was actually clinically depressed. That experience was actually a gift, as my life now contrasts so brightly with those dark days. Today, I use what I learned to help other people create happier, more fulfilling lives.

It’s not surprising, then, that I’m fascinated by the field of “positive psychology.” Legendary psychologist Dr. Martin Seligman officially founded the positive psychology movement in 1996, the year he was elected President of the American Psychology Association.

Those of you familiar with psychology know that many of the traditional approaches focus on “what went wrong” (for example, negative childhood experiences). In a much-quoted 1999 speech, Seligman commented that “psychology was half-baked, literally half baked. We had baked the part about mental illness; we had baked the part about repair of damage…The other side’s unbaked, the side of strength, the side of what we’re good at.”

I agree with Seligman—and I also feel that this approach is similar to the concept of focusing on creating health in medical practice, versus focusing on treating established disease.

Positive psychology researchers, worldwide, have been working on uncovering what aspects of life or actions result in true, lasting happiness. Here are some tried-and-true happiness tips for you and your family:

focus on family and friends
Psychologist and happiness guru Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, famous for having had the most popular course at Harvard for several years, consistently cites “interpersonal relationships” as the number one predictor of well-being. According to Dr. Ben-Shahar, people who have strong, intimate connections with their spouses, family or friends, demonstrate higher degrees of happiness.

analyze the happiest period of your life
This one also comes from Dr. Ben-Shahar. When in your life did you really flourish? What were you doing then that made you feel so fulfilled? When I think of my happiest times during my 20s, which were mostly spent in med school, two moments stand out:
1) the time a group of us went to Club Med and danced all night, every night; and
2) when I got to be one of the dancing, singing “Spice Nurses” in our class’s award-winning “Skits Night” production. It’s no wonder, then, that my life became dramatically more enjoyable the day that I finally signed up for dance classes at age 28.

get active
A 2007 study out of Duke University, published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine, found that over 16 weeks, regular exercise was as effective in relieving symptoms of major depressive disorder as the prescription antidepressant Zoloft. The researchers hypothesized that it was probably increased levels of feel-good endorphins and serotonin that accounted for the “happiness” effect of exercise.

spend money on others
Though our society is more affluent than we were decades ago (at least we were more affluent until recently!), overall happiness ratings haven’t increased with that affluence. According to some research, we were actually happier before, when we had less money and “stuff.” A study published in the March 2008 edition of Science reported that when college students spent money on buying a gift for someone else or on a charitable donation they experienced far more happiness and satisfaction than if they bought themselves something with that money. The best part: the “happiness boost” from giving was the same, no matter how much money was spent on the other person or charity.

accept life as a “roller coaster”This might be the most surprising of these points, as your first reaction may be one of disappointment. Wouldn’t it be nice if at some point, life could just be smooth, easy and steadily happy? This tip, too, comes from Dr. Ben-Shahar, who has said in one interview, “optimistic people have ups and downs like everyone else.” He went on to say, “the difference is that happy people realize that if they’re sad, they’ll get over it. There’s a misconception that being happy means being on a high and having positive moods all the time. That’s not what happiness is. If you’re happy, you have a life—overall—that you find both meaningful and pleasurable.” Once, when I asked a psychologist about his best piece of advice for his clients, he said just that. “People would be so much better off, if they just accepted that every now then, with almost regular precision, life is going to hit you with a challenge,” he told me. “It’s the people who whine and cry about it, and resist and resent the turn of events, that have the toughest time and take the longest to recover.”

Embrace those curve balls that life throws you—they always contain a gift!

It struck me as something very true. While food has played a major part in my life, it has been there equally in the good and bad times. I need to celebrate the good times more often...actually, I need to recognise that the good times are the result of working hard in the bad times to achieve the results that I want.

My Twitter family has helped me so much...It has kept me on point when I was on some shaky ground. It has made me put down the cake on a number of occasions..when bad eating was knocking on my brain. I am closer to some twitter friends than my family in many respects.

Analysing the happiest times in your life is always hard for me. I have changed a lot over the years..I have become a lot more shy, and more unwilling to try new things, because of the "failing" fear factor. I will try something that I KNOW I will succeed at. There is not much learning lessons there. I have decided that I have to break this is limiting my potential and closing my mind to new opportunities.

I just don't have the available money to do the "spend money on someone else" thing, but I do a lot of volunteer it for friends or community based services. I do feel great afterwards, to be able to do something for someone, when they thought it was so complicated and it was easy for me. That is an opportunity to teach someone a new skill too.

I know that life is a roller coaster...I expect the crazy lows are coming, but DAMN, I'm going to enjoy the ride to the top. I know that there is always an upswing, so in the bad times, I have to look for the arc of the way back up. Sometimes, the lows take too long though, and the pain can be unbearable...I know that it has to do with mindset mostly. Be positive, and the universe will give you what you need to survive.

So, on that note...I'm going to talk to Joanne about something I've been interested since she started talking about it...skydiving! If I can jump out of a plane, is there anything I can't do?

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

What Would Your Obituary say?

I just read an obituary today, and it was a wonderful look on a person's life...I wonder if they wrote it themselves?

What would my obituary say if I dies tomorrow? I want it to be more like the one on the link...for selfish reasons I guess.
I want to know that I've done most of the things I've wanted to do during my journey through this life..I want to look back and say, I have no regrets..I learned from every moment, every event is burned into my mind.

I think I need to write my obituary how it is now...and how I want it to look, and work at making it the one I want, not the one I'm settling for!

Monday, September 28, 2009

A Funny Thing Happened to Me After I Gave Up...

I was raised with the "You can do anything gene". I didn't get that from my parents, but I got it from my grandmother. So, all my life I have been looking for the right one, the right person who would make me feel whole. (I have learned that I am a whole person, and someone else can compliment me, but never be my fulfilment!)

All through grade school, I knew something was different. I hung out with the guys at school, and a few girl friends...but there was definitely something different. I enjoyed guy things...climbing trees, exploring..occasionally, my girlfriends would corner me and do a manicure on me, but it always felt wrong.

I wondered what was wrong with me for a long time...and when I finally got it, I figured that my future was over. I had wanted to be married and have a few kids...with the little house with the white picket fence...but that was now never going to happen. For any one of you who have had a dream die, you know how awful this can be. (of course, I didn't see me married with a husband, but that didn't seem to phase me at all)

When I broke up with Nancy, I decided that I was not going to look for anyone anymore. I needed to let go of that dream, because that was never going to happen for me.

I started my twitter account in April sometime, and I thought twitter was kinda lame. I eventually got the hang of it, and started chatting with a number of women who were on a weight loss journey, like I was. When she and I started chatting, I knew there was something different about her too. I felt it, and a few days later she came out to me. We talked a lot, and eventually the conversations got more personal.

All my life, I have been able to "see" people...See their aura's, see their souls...see the good in them without ignoring their bad things...see their intentions and see why they are driven in certain areas and not others. When she finally sent me a picture of her, "seeing" her was amazing! There are very few people who's aura's shine with an intensity like hers. It was so made me cry.

I know the waiting is hard. I want to be with her, and I believe she wants to be with me, but like everything in life, there are complications. Different cities, different countries, and personal relationships all come into play. For now, we talk on the phone and stay in touch with Twitter. We send e-mails and pictures to keep each other involved. I need to clear up financial matters, and she needs to learn some lessons from her own personal situation.

For you all who don't know, I have been to many psychics, and most of them have told me the same thing. I have three men behind me at all times. Each is dressed in period costumes, ranging from a cowboy to a gentleman dressed in a late 1800's suit, and the third one whom I've never seen. He stays completely out of my peripheral vision.

Saturday night, I had probably the most significant dream in my life. I was thinking about how I was going to know that this is the one. I "feel" it in my soul, but my brain needs the gratification of knowing too. Then there came the dream. Each moment of the dream built on the next, everything was there for the knowing. My grandmother was there. The right place, the right moment, everything was perfect. I woke up with tears in my eyes, it was so beautiful. I wrote it all in my other blog, the one I keep just for me. I wrote every detail as I remembered it...Now I just have to wait and know when it's the right time.

Friday, September 25, 2009

The Biggest Loser Challenge

Hmmm..Posting pictures of myself has never been something I like doing. But, I'm going to suck it up and do it. To make things worse, Blogger doesn't offer the feature to lock a post...

Arm = 11 1/4
Waist = 38
Hips = 40
Thigh = 20
Calf = 13 1/2
Weight: 187

I have lost 61 lbs so far...and while I know that's huge, I don't see it in a mirror, and I don't know if I ever will.

Like most people, I am an emotional eater, and I find stress the hardest to deal with. When I'm stressed, my heart pounds and I look for an escape. I need to make exercise my release because I have been doing less healthier aversions. I have been smoking. While I am not a hardcore smoker, I can pick up a pack and then once it's gone, not smoke for another year. but I know it's not healthy and it makes a joke out of my exercise regime.

So, here today...before all of you (and especially before you, my Love!) with my hand in the air, I promise to not smoke anymore...I will go for a run, or go to the gym, or cry if I have to, just to get past it and not smoke.

I am spending the day at work organising myself...I feel spread so thin that I am not focused on anything. I am completing action plans on all my deliverables. Tonight after I get home, I will focus on creating a plan for finances (work on my budget)update my workout plan, check on my C25K progress and finally get a list going of the things I need to get done this weekend.

Refocusing on my priorities will help me feel emotionally balanced, and that will translate into less stress.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Distance Sucks!

I don't need to hold your hand,

because you hold my heart

Sunday, September 20, 2009

when life turns a corner

I've never been someone to look forward to things...I learned early in life that is somethings best "not done" by someone like leaves me open to disapointment.

Everything that had been my goal or my salvation, didn't appear. I know what you're thinking...and it's true. I didn't work hard enough, i didn't focus and I let myself be pulled off the journey by others wants and dreams...well that is over, and the focus is on me.

I can't live someone elses life, I can't fix their issues or them...I can only work on me...and that's what I'm doing. Sometimes I lose motivation, sometimes I just can't get up and out of bed, sometimes there's no stopping all depends on the day, hour or minute I'm living in.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Most People Never Really Know

It's always easier to see when things change when you look backwards in time...For me, I knew almost instantly. SHE would be a catalist in my life. The first time I talked to her, I saw it all. It's like in movies, when everything speeds up really quickly and then comes back to the right speed. The colors were strong and passionate. Mostly emerald green...but vivid and alive, like it was just freshly painted.

I knew at that moment how my life would change in the future. I saw it all. I knew because I felt it in my soul, and no one has opened up feeling like that in me.

Even as I read this for typo's I get chills. The thoughts run through my head like a locomotive, but getting them down is hard.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Am I Who I Think I Am?

People are always telling me things about myself, that I don't know if I believe or not.

I guess it comes down to self-image. I have always had a poor self image, and I guess a poor body image goes hand in hand with that too.

When I was little, I never felt good enough. I felt like I had no control of my own life, like I guess most kids do...but my parents were going through a nasty divorce, and they both played me against the other.

Food was a big thing in my house. Since my father rarely paid child support without "motivation", there were slim pickings some days. There was a no wasting in the house ever...which definately started some fights, because I was a very picky eater. I remember sitting infront of pea soup for 2 days...every meal...and I still didn't eat it.

Food was used as a humiliation and a reward, which can be confusing.

"You're gaining weight you know...Why don't you go outside and play?"

Oh, you got an A in I baked you some cookies!"

And I guess the topper was my stepfather started calling me "Jennifridge".

That little jibe did more than tip the scale...literally.

So I ate.

And when I got older, I was the wild kid. I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I had high grades...87.5 average, without studying at I decided I could finish high school without living at home. I moved out.

I worked a full time night job Sunday to Thursday and went to school Monday to Friday and partied like a rockstar friday and saturdays.

I graduated, and didn't even attend my one would go with me anyways. I slid my way through life, and never really had any goals...I used to tell my mother that I was going to die like Janis Joplin...why not? I felt like her...

When I am in the mood for a good cry, I listen to 2 songs by Jann Arden...Unloved and

Monday, September 7, 2009

I have a Secret!

This weekend I did something I have never done before. I always denied wanting to do this, and I used to look at other people funny when they told me that they have them, and ENJOY them. How can that be? The idea always perplexed me.
But on Saturday, I got up the nerve...I was by myself, so why not? Of course, the old "fat girl" fears will always be there, but I pushed past them. I just hoped to not run into anyone I knew.
I felt a bit of sweat appear across my forehead.
I made a bee line for the cashier...must get there before a line forms..(I don't know if I could handle the laughing...)
I waited for the cashier to look at them, and then look at me with the "are you kidding?" look, but none came....
Outside the store I wanted to yell, " I'm 46 and I just bought my first thong!"...but I thought that would attract unneeded attention..

Sunday, September 6, 2009


I have been not working hard enough on myself lately. I have been stressed at work, almost to beyond what I can stand, and I am letting it affect me. I am letting it lessen my drive in the gym, and I am letting it distract me from my goal. My health. The job is secondary, and so is almost everything else. Almost.
Today I put on my compression shirt( for you that do not know, a compression shirt is a very tight shirt that wicks sweat away.Best thing ever invented! I wear a t-shirt over it) , and went to the gym to blow off some steam. I am home now, and I want to go for a run in the park...Not my usual thing to do on a Sunday, or ever really...but I have the energy and I need to burn it off.
Metallica must be the reason...I always listen to them when I need motivation, those guys make me clean my house, do my laundry and run like hell on the treadmill. Funny, I was never a great fan before St Anger...
Strange things have been happening to me lately...I have always been camera shy, but lately, I have wanted to get my picture taken.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

How do you approach things?

Everything is an opportunity to learn, and if you avoid certain situations, you are avoiding the lesson that goes along with it.
I try to be positive, but like everyone, I have fears that make me try to avoid certain things. Like public speaking... Not a fan...I get intimidated by people, especially if I don't feel educated enough on the subject of my talk.
Thursday, I finally got all my stuff together and went down to the passport office. I was not happy, and I figured I would be there all afternoon, just to get this bureaucratic procedure completed...Since the U.S. border is now closed to Canadians who don't have a passport, I was cornered.
After the car was parked, I realised that I was missing a beautiful day by focusing on the "sitting in the office waiting" part. I decided to have some fun. I went with my friend Peggy, and we had a nice walk to the office. The security guard was a joker, so we chatted with him for a few minutes and then went on in.
At the first desk, they took my forms, attached my documents, drivers license, birth certificate and then gave me them back with a paperclip and a ticket with a number on it.
Looking at the board, they were at B77...Hmmm...I wonder how long this will take?
Well, not Even 15 minutes later, my number was called.
The Lady behind the desk was very friendly, and after I told her that I wanted to yell out BINGO! when she called my name, she laughed.
We chatted, and she asked my was this passport for me, and a few other questions...she then told me I should have it in 6 to 14 days...but probably closer to 6.
In and out of the passport office in an hour!
Next, I am going to try to get past this speaking in public thing...I am going to work on it and make it easier on myself.
Everything is in the way you look at it!

Friday, September 4, 2009


I love Fridays...everyone is always in a great mood...and no matter what, it's easier to stay focused because tomorrow starts 2 days of doing what I want to do.

I went to see my Doctor in the walk-in clinic last night and she hasn't seen me since I started on this journey. She asked me how I was losing the weight, and what was keeping me motivated. How much had I lost, and a number of other questions. We went over my food plan and my exercise plan and she was happy with both of them...saying they both didn't need any changes. We discussed my goals and when I though I was going to reach them. It was my first "fun" visit at the Doctors, I usually only go when I'm sick.

Losing weight for me, has become a focus, but not an all life encompassing experience. I do have some "treats" every once in a while, it's just in a better proportion than it used to be. A small piece of cake, not most of the cake.

I measure things in a different scale now.

How long will it take me to burn this off?

Is it worth it?

If I was dying tomorrow, would I still want to eat this thing that bad?

Every time I think I'm going to cave, I look at Kelly's picture and think WWKD?

I am loving this journey! This is an "all about me" trip, and for once, I think about me first.

Yes, it upsets some people, but tough nookie's baby. I can't live your life for you, and you don't live mine.

I know I still have food issues. I still want to celebrate with food. When I'm sad or down, I still want to cry with food. When I'm hurt, I still want to be comforted by food.

I've been trying to think of an answer to the questions of why and how?

Why now...

How do you keep motivated?

I don't know why now. I knew that I had a benchmark of 250...and to me if I reached that, I was fat. At 245, I though I had better do something. Finding Kelly was a godsend for me. She knew all the answers. She helped me by getting me on the right track with food and exercise. She has been my backbone, when I felt mine was lacking. She lent me her drive when I didn't know if I could do it, and had self-doubt. My trips to the gym became easier. The walk to the gym used to wind me...a flight of stairs used to wind me...forget about running, that NEVER happened in my life.

How do I keep motivated? That's a hard one. There are many answers...I KNOW that this is the best I've ever felt. I like seeing the reaction of people that I haven't seen in a long time. The mouth dropping open. I like going to get smaller clothes...I like having more control in my life...but what I haven't told anyone is...

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

trying something new...

Adventurous? Me?? Hm, sometimes.

It depends on the adventure.

I need to start discovering the things about myself that I don't know exist. The things I don't see, but others do. Someone very important to me, someone I love very much, told me something about myself that I think I have never acknowledged or for that matter, believed was there. To read the words typed on the screen was almost a shock. Denial. She must have meant that for someone else. That's not me, I'm not.

I've been called many things, but definitely not that! It wasn't cruel or hurtful, like most of the things I've been called in the past. Kids and teenagers are not very kind.

A small smile slid across my face. Wow, she thinks that?

She says I'm sexy

Monday, August 31, 2009

I Love Days Like Today...

Today I decided to ride my bike. The last time I rode to work, it was too hot and I just didn't enjoy the ride at all. When I was younger, my bike was my preferred mode of transportation, and I let it slip away when I got my first car.

But today seemed different. Since I've gotten under 185, I'm 184 now...It seems easier. Most of the huffing anf puffing is gone. It was cool enough that I needed a sweater, so I wasn't overheated. I only stopped once for a water break.

I have moved out of the Obese BMI and I'm now in the "overweight" BMI...COOL!

One of the dieticians asked me if I could come and talk to her "Healthy Living" group about motivation and weight loss....I'm thinking I'm going to do it! I'm not really a fan of talking to groups...In fact, it makes me very nervous...but I'll give it a try! Maybe I can be someone's inspiration like Kelly was mine.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Sometimes, I don't know what to do...

For the last few weeks, I have been reading blogs....blogs of women who have made a momentous decision to better their lives and the lives of their family members by eating healthier.

I usually read their blog, and then get to a point where they talk about the "healthy" food they are eating, and it's then that I usually become horrified! Much like I did when I started this journey, I went back and ate the things that I though were healthy, and really were not healthy choices at all.

So, my bewilderment I tell them, or wait for them to ask? I always hated the people who told me things when I wasn't ready....They usually started with, "You know, you'd loose more weight if...."

Bottom line is if it didn't grow out of the ground that way, or have a mother, don't eat it!

Excuses, excuses! Either you want it or you don't! Do you want to live to see your kids graduate and get married or do you want to be a distant memory for them?

Now, I know some people have to gradually get into this...nobody jumps on soy milk and protein powder the first day and falls in love...but I'm so worried that everyone is going to give up because of lack of results!

Peanut butter? 60 cals per some nuts and get the fiber that goes with it...It's better for you.

Bread? Cookies? Cake? Pop? Juice?Why are you sabotaging yourself at every step?

Everyday, every meal you make the choice. The choice to love yourself enough to eat what is good for you, or crap! If you can't love yourself enough to make the right choice TEXT ME...Because I love you enough to want to help! (please, no midnight to six am eating..I gotta sleep sometime!). My Twitter friends, my Team Mates, My Twitter Family...DM me, and I'll happily give you my phone number.

8 bottles of water a day...that doesn't include tea, coffee or soda!
(Except for when you first wake up, when you pee it should be clear if you're getting enough water!)
Carbs before a workout...fruit is a good choice...(give you quick energy)
protein after a workout (builds muscle which burns fat!)
Lean proteins...complex as well as simple carbs
6 small meals a day if you have to (I do!) , it'll help keep your metabolism running and burning. It's calories in, calories out..

Friday, August 28, 2009

Whe am I going to learn my lesson?

I woke up today in a funk.

Usually, I am a positive person, I focus on the positive things and it helps me get through the day. However, there are the days where I just don't want to do anything. I am bitchy, and I want to be alone, but not alone. I just want to be with you.

Most days I try to look at things by the motto, "It is what it is..." There are so many things I want out of life, the most important is to gain my physical freedom. I want to be the person that runs in all weather (and believe me, we have all weather here!) I want to be fit and healthy, and I have worked hard for what I have earned o far. My goals are my own. I own them, they don't own me.

On grumpy days, I need to exercise...On stressful days I need to exercise...On sick days I still need to do some exercise (maybe not as much, but some)

That is what gets me back to my center...that is what pulls me out of my head...that is what gives me the perspective I need some days.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The answer is 42...

If only it were that simple!
(For those of you who don't know, in the Movie "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, the answer to the meaning of life and everything...was 42.)
No two people walk the same path for a lifetime, therefore, no two people can ever learn the same lessons. My teacher tells me that we "choose" our parents, and I must admit I have a hard time with that one. I do know that I have grown as a person. I try to be more centered, and I work at not getting stressed over little things. I try to make others journeys enjoyable and try to help them learn the lessons that they need to. I see with open eyes, and I see a lot more than anyone else does. That can be a gift or it can be close to damnation.
I go to church, and I believe in God. I believe that God is in us, more than a God in heaven. That's why when someone does something wonderful for someone else, it's so special. You are doing God's work. I know there are people out there, who say I am not accepted for who I am...and that's OK. I don't judge people, that's not my job in life. I know doctors, hookers, dealers, Ministers and addicts and sometimes the more unexpected ones are the ones that I trust more. I have friends from many walks of life, and with different experiences...and they all have different lessons to learn, and different experiences which made them who they are. Someone asked on Twitter the other day...If you are the sum of your experiences, can you really, truly understand someone else's issues?
My answer to that is, while you may not be able to understand everything someone is going through, empathy for someone is truly the Grace of God. How wonderful is it that someone can "share" their lesson with you!
For me, the time I spend in the gym is time I spend with my grandmother and the three men from the past. They are always with me. She talks to me, and they stand behind me.
I believe that things are put in your path to see how badly you want something. It's sometimes hard to tell if it's something I should still go after or not. Is it important enough for you to climb that mountain, or get around that brick wall? If it is, you'll do it.
Inevitably, working out has to be a "for you" thing...but if deciding to do it for your son, mother, brother, or lover is the catalyst that gets your butt of the couch, that 's a start.
Just understand that, if you stick to this regime, things in your life are going to change. Some expected, some not. YOU need to be a priority. No matter what happens in your day to day, exercise is a relief and will become something you crave as an outlet. When you do better for yourself, other changes become a natural progression. Self-esteem is a wonderful side effect to exercise. When you feel better, you project better.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I think I could just blog all day... (can I get THAT job!?)

Facing the world with an open heart, waiting for the lessons, and recognising them is sometimes a hard thing to do...but today seems to be MY day. Everyone seems to be telling me their lessons today.

From the girl who delivers the meals to patients in the hospital, who was recognised at a party by a former patient. He told her he remembered her and she was amazed until he she slammed his lunch down on his table when she was having a bad day, and how that effected him.

My friend Laurie, who just turned 50 last week (and is as much my teacher in life as anyone!) who told me that she was going 49kph on her bike on the way to work today (while doing push-ups because she didn't have time to get to the gym!)

I spoke with my trainer Kelly a number of months ago, when I was thinking of leaving my 5 year relationship...after months of working out and feeling healthier. She said she kind of expected it. Not that Nancy isn't a good person, but that I've changed and I expected more for myself and out of myself. When one person has a radical changeing life experience, and that what working out can be, other things in your life become less satisfying, and decisions have to be made. Your standard for YOU goes up, and sometimes other people are just not in the right mindspace to be traveling the path with you. She did try, but it just wasn't for her. So the decision I stay where I'm not happy, not supported and not feeling fulfilled just to make someone else happy, or is it my turn to be happy? It took me a long time to work my way up to that conversation. I know how much Nancy loved me, and still loves me, but I have to be happy. If I stayed, I would only end up resenting her, and then when it did end, it would end badly. I spent many nights unable to sleep, and the conversation was the focus of my mind.

That was not a great conversation...and I wouldn't wish it on anyone..either end of it. There was a lot of crying involved...some by me, but more by Nancy. I've had longer to work it out in my head. And yes, I kicked myself for not talking to her about it earlier, but I just couldn't figure out how.

I guess the morale of the story is you have to follow your own path...and who really knows what that'll be from one moment to the next?

Today, I Amazed Myself...

It doesn't happen as often as it should, but I am trying to change my brain so that it happens more often. Yesterday I was talking to the dietitian I work with at the hospital (the picture of health, and athletic too!) We were discussing my workout routine, and I was telling her about the 90lb squats...she looked impressed, then after talking about it, she realised I meant 90lbs total, not on each today I decided to try it..90 lbs each side, so 180lb.

Maybe I was underestimating myself and my abilities again..who knows? So, I tried 180 lb squats...and I couldn't do 3 sets of 12, but I could do 2 sets of 10!

That means, I am squatting 3 lbs more than my own body weight! WOW!

That is opening options in my mind. What else am I underestimating in myself? Maybe I am setting my limits too low on life itself? I need to think long and hard on this...because this and the decisions about what I have accepted as "my best" need to be re-examined. Maybe I can start to bike to work again...I am getting tired of walking...but I'm just not all that co-ordinated with biking...maybe I need to kick a few things up and see what happens!

New goal: Try to push myself out of my comfort zone more..after all, my comfort zone is that of someone who was 50lbs heavier, and look at what I have achieved!

Maybe it's time to start those speed sprints that I've been thinking about for months now.

I've got to investigate wrapping my ankles to avoid injury...(klutzy, remember?)

This is a glorious day! A day of self-discovery is always a great day if you follow it up with a PLAN!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Things my teacher tells me

Part of getting fit for me has always been healing the emotional side too. There are a lot of things that have happened in my past that I simply don't talk about...not to anybody.

Like the saying goes, "Everyone has a skeleton, and a closet to put it in".

I sometimes wonder if I would be a different person, if I'd have had other options...who knows?

My "Teacher" says that I chose my parents...because I had certain lessons that I needed to learn, and I knew they could teach me. That blows my think that I could choose my father as a role model for anything except the village idiot.

I have worked very hard to get to where I am today. I was a very angry teenager, and I felt cheated by life and circumstance. That easily started me down a road to distruction...self-distruction no less. I had no hope, no future, and I used to tell my mom that I planned on being dead before 26. I think I may have come close on a few occasions.

I don't know what happened to turn things around...It's almost like my soul had a "walk-through"...(one soul decided it wanted to go, and another one took over)

I think that there is no way to loose weight without dealing with the "why" factor. I know myself...I know that I can eat for any emotion...pick one.

So, now I look at food and think many things....

why am I craving this?

What is pushing me?

Do I really need this...or am I trying to fill a whole in my soul?

I've tasted that before, why do I need to have it again?

Eating is a quick and available way to modify how I feel, and therefore to deal with my emotions....but it's true that nothing will ever taste as good as thin feels...(or will feel...I'm not there yet!)

Monday, August 24, 2009

Summer is almost gone...

School started today for the kids...that is the end of summer sign in Ottawa. Fall will be quickly approaching now. While I love summer and the heat that comes with it, I am looking towards winter for the first time in my life. Come on November!

Going to Florida to stay with Peggy's parents for a week is probably the only thing I have to look forward to in winter...not the -40 degree temp, not the walking to work in winter...(I'm thinking maybe snow shoes so I can cross the fields of the farm easier) I hated walking in the winter last year...I can handle the cold, but I'm afraid of falling and hurting myself.

Soon the leaves will start to change color and the Gatineau hills will have every variation of red, orange and yellows imaginable. It's very beautiful...
This morning, for a change I worked out with Footdr69...her in Florida and me in Ottawa.
10 minutes walking, then 1 minute running, then 3 minutes power walk. Invigorating! And I do like to have company, even if my company is 3000 miles away.
I'm learning to like to run. I've never liked it before...OK, maybe once in grade school..I don't know whether it's the fact that I actually can run, or the fact that I never though I would like it...but I'm getting there. I know I don't have to like it to do it...(Jillian says I don't because she doesn't!) I found today, that if I lowered the speed on the treadmill, that I enjoyed it more, because it felt more like a jog not a race. So I set up 2 treadmills, one at a comfortable 3.5 speed and the other at a 5.0 speed for jogging. I walk for a minute on one then carefully switch to the other and run for a minute. I am always happier when there is nobody at the gym at the same time as me, but I'm getting over it. I'm starting to not care who's watching anymore.
Then I go do my weights. I rotate the body part I am exercising so that I don't overwork any one area, also it gives the muscle time to re cooperate and grow. If I start not sweating while doing weights, I hop back on the treadmill for a minute or two. If you're not sweating, you're not working hard enough!
The hardest workout I ever did, (and would like to try again actually, now that I'm more fit!) was 1 minute running on the treadmill, then off for a set of weights 3 sets of 12 reps of whatever...then back on the treadmill for a minute...keep going until done. This keeps your metabolism pounding! ( but I puked twice because I just wasn't used to it)
OK y'all...I'm off to report my points for yesterday and do some work...LATER!!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

My Promises to You...

To my love,

I don't make promises without a lot of thought. There are so many things I can't give you...

I can't give you the moon and the stars - I can promise to bring peace and warmth to your life

I can't promise you'll never feel pain - I can promise to help take the pain away

I can't promise you that I'll have all the answers - but I can promise to never be the question

I can't promise you that I'll always understand you - but I can promise to always listen

I can't promise you that I'll never grow old - But I can promise that my love for you will never

I can't promise you that your journey will be easy -but I can promise that you'll never walk alone
I can't promise you all the "material" things - but I can promise you everything money can't buy

I can't promise you eternal life - but I can promise you eternal love

Friday, August 21, 2009

Seeing Family Achieve

I have a crazy crazy that they sometimes scare me to be around them. Most days I prefer the friends I call my family. After all, that's what friends are...the Family you choose to spend time with.

My dad is not what I would wish on anybody as a father...In reality, he is neither. I've gotten to the point that he exists, and that's really all the support I can expect. He is very self absorbed, uneducated and racist.

My mom, although she tries very hard to be supportive, is surrounded by her own fears. I have always pushed her boundries by being myself, much to her discontent. Although I think the mohawk I had as a teenager (peacock blue no less..) pushed her just about as far as I could. She's had to open up her heart and mind to still be able to love me. I was a wild child...mohawks, tattoos, I had a safety pin through my cheek for a while...If someone was going to be my friend, they had to be able to look past a lot of things. (But I still have most of those friends to this day!)

My twitter family is making a huge impact on my life...I think this is what family is supposed to be. The place I can tell my darkest secrets, and not be judged too harshly. The place where every success is a celebration; the blossoming of a soul...the emerging of a new found self-awareness. The place where an "unsuccessful" try at something gets a ralley of support anyways. Just think, how strange is it that someone losing weight or running for the first time on the other side of the world should impact my life in such a way. This is the true butterfly effect...

In twitterville, I can be anything...I can give up the labels of insecure, fat, unfocused, and this can help to change my self-image of me. I walk taller, having you all behind me. No matter what, I have someone to talk to when things are at their best, worst or anywhere inbetween.

I think I'm falling in love with my twitter family! :)

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Speaking of Love Affairs..

I'm having one right now!

and I wish I knew if it was the right thing for me or not. The pain can be so delicious...

Passed my biggest challenge...

Walking to work everyday is becoming a strange love affair...I love it and I hate it at the same time. I hate the starting, I hate getting out of bed, I hate the sweating....I love the walk through the farm, and most of the wonderful smells of flowers and plants. I love the focus time, I love the motivation and the "soul" conversations I have with myself. It's a whole new mindset that I'm trying to grow. In school, I took Gym up until I could take art or music instead, then I never looked back. Gym was always my nightmare because I was not good at any of it.

This path of's not an easy path by any means. Some days, it's like scaling Everest! When I started, I could barely walk up a flight of stairs without breaking into a sweat and needing to rest. Now, I can run on the treadmill after walking to work 3 miles...

I know I DID THAT!

I have goals, and I write them down. Each New Years, I write 5 goals, ranging from easy ones to hard ones. I don't always reach them all in the year, but I reach the easy and middle ones, and try to make some sort of progression on the hard ones. (They usually include an action plan to help me see the "steps" I need to take.

The hard part for me is I am a "want it now" person...Long term goals have never been my strong point. That's where the action plan comes in handy. To achieve the larger goal, I can break it down into smaller manageable goals. I need to see a progression to not loose interest.

My last boss, although a mean and nasty woman, taught me some useful tools. "Don't bring me problems, bring me solutions", was her favorite saying. Sometimes I don't always know the whole solution, but reading is self-discovery wrapped in a cover.

Some days, I don't feel very tall...those are the days I stand on top of my achievements, no one can take those away from me. Those are the days when my friends, both online and in the flesh, are so important. Those are the days that I may need to borrow your drive, your fire, or your strength to just get through the day and rediscover my own.

Likewise, my drive, fire and strength are there for you when yours cannot be found.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

At least 2 days a month I go crazy...

Now, I am not a stupid person, I can see a lot of things about other people...but why can I never expect that the crazy time is coming? I know its all hormone related, but I just want out of my skin for those two days. I couldn't make a rational decision if my life depended on it.

I can see souls...i can see emotions in people and they don't have to utter a word. I can see the hurt in someone, the confusion, and especially, I can see when someone is lying to me.

I learned all of this from my grandmother before she left everybody else...she has never left me.

She has always communicated to me, and did her best to keep my feet on the ground. When there is something very stressful going on in my life, she communicates with me through...pennies. Yes, I know it sounds crazy...but that's what we agreed upon. When my mom was hit walking accross the street by a city bus, I was freaked out! In the hospital, beside my mother's bed was a penny. I got a hold of myself, knowing that everything was going to be ok. There have been many such instances...even fter my grandmother's funeral...when we came out there was easily $5 worth of pennies on the ground...

This morning, I got an american penny....

Monday, August 17, 2009

So the weekend was interesting!

I've always had the ability to see....

the good in people,
to see when someone is lying to me
and to see what I can do to help someone push themselves over the top.
Too bad I can't always do it for myself.

This past weekend was 2 days of discovery, and while I kept up the things I do for myself like my exercising, I feel like I let myself down.

BEFORE...this would have thrown me into a tailspin, and I would be back in the fast food restaurant because what did it matter anyways?

My opinion has changed greatly. I understand life has setbacks, at least mine does...It forces me to make choices. Walls are put up in front of me to see how much I want I give up, or do I go over, or under, or around to reach MY dream? (Right about here is when I have the Rambo picture in my mind with the wall exploded into a million pieces)

I have given up on myself over and over again in the past...and I probabily will in the future too...but now, I take ther time to feel crappy about it, and then I get the hell over it and get back in the game!

I am an emotional eater. Pick an emotion and there is a snack food out there with my name on it. For me, I have to eliminate anything that I can just go grab from the kitchen that is not "grown out of the ground, or had a face" (sorry all you vegans!). I cook my meals for the week on one day and package them so they are as convienient as possible. Yes, I still on occasion, stand infront of the fridge with the door open looking for that something special...but I know it's different now. Before it was a can of coke and chips or something it's a few spoonfuls of hummas with pickles and maybe a bit of pita bread if I am feeling very crazy!

I understand falling off the diet/exercise wagon...It's not always easy planning your food and meals ahead of time, getting up early to exercise because you know you NEED to, eating before going out to dinner so that you don't cave in and have something you'll regret. Who doesn't want to be one of those people who can eat whatever they want, whenever...I just want to push them down the stairs ;)

The bottom line for me is that I need to do it for me, I can't do it for anyone else or make anyone follow my path if they don't want to.

The more I walk this journey, the more I know I don't walk it alone. At first, I had very little support...I had my trainer Kelly. Everyone of my friends tried not to roll their eyes and think , here we go again. She was the person who pushed me and answered all my questions...she was the person that wouldn't let me give up on myself.

When my resolve was at its lowest, she lent me hers...That is the sign of a true friend.

The fabfatties contest has brought me into a whole new realm...of friends and support. People who have walked the path before me, and some who are just starting out on this journey. Teamwork to me means reaching back and sharing the lesson with someone else who may be having a hard time. No one walks alone.

The self-discovery can be both enlightening and disturbing. What you can learn on this journey is important, and will affect every aspect of your life, I know it did mine. It has made me look at relationships, both good ones and bad ones. I have made many decisions to let people go out of my life if they are unable to be supportive in my quest for better health. I have started to clean out my emotional cupboard, to dust off the important things and to remove the negative distractions. I have left a stagnant relationship to no surprise of Kelly...she explained that when you change yourself and expect better, you need to change your surroundings too.

I've found new superhero's...and maybe someday, I'll be one of them!

It’s not too late….
This post Comes to you via the F A B U L O U S @footDr69…
Welcome to team DOWNSIZING DIVAS! @fabfatties #ffchallenge3 is on!
It doesn't matter what you've done up to this point!! Monday starts a New Week and WE are gonna HIT THE GROUND RUNNING!! I'm VERY EXCITED to have you guys on our team!! You Are ALL LEADERS!! Let's take the bull by the horns and MAKE A CHANGE!! Not just within ourselves, but also in the lives of everyone that we touch!! When You send Tweets during the next 21 days, please add #ffchalleng3 to your tweets whenever possible! This is our Badge Of Honor!! Let's show the twitter world who we are and what we are about! It will show that thru TEAMWORK, WE ARE ONE!! Please remember to go to and post your points in the challenge blog DAILY! This will make you eligible for the drawings! Please post even if its only 1 point! IT ALL COUNTS!! ;-) NO JUDGEMENTS! Just CONGRATS!

Here is a List of Points (Entries) That you may count per day:
1. Recruit someone to the challenge (until 8/19): 5 points
2. Pounds lost during 21 day challenge: 1 point/per pound
3. Inches lost during 21 day challenge: 1 point/per inch
4. Set A Goal for what you want to achieve during the challenge: 2 points
5. Meeting that goal: 3 points
6. Tweet about this challenge on Myspace, Facebook, Twitter (must use hashtag #ffchallenge3): 1point (up to 10 points/daily)
7. Drink 8 glasses of H2O: 1 point
8. Eat 5 servings of fruits & Veggies: 1 point
9. Exercise 30 min. or more a day: 2 points
11.Blog about this challenge or linky love @fabfatties on your blog: 3 points
12. Eat a healthy breakfast: 1 point
13. Don't drink soda pop: 1 point
14. Leave a comment on someone's blog: 1 point per blog.
Whenever you do something POSITIVE FOR THE CHALLENGE, @ us (@footdr69 & or @IamSucceeding) so that we may RT and share it with the Team! If you don't @ us, at least one of us, we may miss it! Please don't let that happen!
Here are a list of your Teammates! Please FOLLOW EVERYONE and SUPPORT EACH OTHER!!! That's what TEAMWORK is ALL ABOUT!!
It’s NOT TOO LATE TO ADD TWEEPS, so let me know if you have Newbies!
If you write a blog post or You read one that you would like to share with the TEAM, please @ me with it so that I may share it with others! You may be JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED! ;-)
If you would like an excel spreadsheet to track your points, send @JeepJenn your email address and she will get it right to you!!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

It's been a long time...

I recognise the signs...tingly all over, goosebumps...smiling in the rain...thinking constantly about one person. The heat is overpowering, and I don't mean the temperature..butterflies in my stomach...that fluttery feeling of having no control...thinking of what it will be like to touch her...

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I'm a sucker for a great personality things are very interesting in my life at the moment. I have a romantic interest, and I'm going to take the time to see where it more jumping the gun. The interest seems to be shared both ways, however, this person is in a relationship at the moment. That's a stop sign right there for me.
OMG she's so hot I get the chills thinking about her..I look stupid in 100 degree weather with goose bumps,. but I don't care....

Here's keeping fingers crossed!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Too many years of trying to be the perfect daughter...too many years of expecting you to be my "dad" and you not even being my father...

I've decided that it's time. You are freed of the burdon, nothing is expected from you, which should be easy, since you are so good at delivering that.

The Final Slap in the Face

I’ve seen what reality is
And I have to stop trying to make it change
I think I’ve been cheated out of life
And I want to trade you in, an exchange…

I can’t make you care,
By the way you treat me it’s apparent
That you should have never been
Any impressionable kids “parent”

At least I didn’t live with you,
I didn’t learn your party line.
Where I used to be jealous of “your kids”,
Without your influence I know I shine.

I am who I am in spite of you,
Not because of you, like a good parent should.
I solved my own problems and stood on my own,
And it’s time I admit it’s YOU I’ve outgrown.

I expect nothing from you anymore,
I shouldn’t be disappointed.
You’re not much to replace,
A real man will be appointed.

Friday, July 31, 2009

The Warriors Reminder, Erykah Badu

I am awake
My mind is free
I am Creative
I love myself
My will power is strong
I am Brave
I practice patience
I dont judge folks
I give not to receive
I dont expect I accept
I listen more than I talk
I know I'll change
I know you'll change
I'll hold on one more day
I start over when necessary
I create my own situations
I am cosmic
I dont have the answers
I desire to learn
I am the plan
I am strong
I am weak
I want to grow
I know I will
I take on responsibility
I hide myself from no one
Im on my path
Warriors walk alone
I wont let my focus change
Taking out the demons in my range...

Beautiful words.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


I have been under 200 for a few days now, and even with the trip to Montreal where I was a bit bad, I am still under 200. I will be glad to push hard at the gym and kick some more weight off in the next months. I am happy, I like my job for the mostpart....I am challenged at work and at home...I am spending time with Peggy and the boys, listening to live bands...hopefully seeing Terri Clark this weekend and Dan play at the Arnprior Music Festival next week.

Life is good...just slowly pushing out of my debt which seems to be taking forever...oh well, like gained weight, I didn't spend all that money in 1 year how can I expect to pay it off that fast? Maybe it's time to rework the budgets....

Monday, July 13, 2009

Bluesfest with Ani Difranco

Free tickets to Bluesfest was a wonderful bonus from helping out a new friend. Peggy and I helped April paint her apartment, and she gave us these tickets. We had a choice of Joe Cocker or Ani Difranco, and I think we made the right choice. Ani was fantastic! I haven't heard her music very much, but I really enjoyed myself. It was a cool night, but no chance of getting cold in that closely knit crowd.

And what a surprise...Lynsey James was only 10 feet away with her husband. I wanted to introduce her to Peggy but lost her after the concert. Hopefully next time...

I need to get some Ani Difranco CD's.....

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

So close, but so far

My first major weight loss goal was to hit 199 again. Just to be under 200 would be something that hasn't happened, probabily since highschool. Everytime I get close...and I really am close at 203, I think I panic. I don't know why, and I know that I'll feel much better and much healthier and all that stuff....but I seem to have a roadblock about 200.

I think it's becuase I have always been able to use fat as a reason...That person doesn't like me because I'm fat, or that person won't go out with me because I'm fat.

What'll my reason be now?

Friday, July 3, 2009


Just like everything else, the calm before the storm and then back to the calm....Friday comes and the world is beautiful and full of potential.
My mind is constantly full of her, my every thought lightened by an image of her. My happiest moments and my deepest grief flow from the same source. A world full of "what if's" is not an easy place to be.
Ah, but a muse none the less. I have started painting again. I need to find my freedom of expression is close, I can feel it. I have started writing again. My head and heart are becoming one again.
I have no control over the results...I have only control over the journey, and even then, not much. Down a path of crazy, falling deep into a sleep of self-satisfaction.

These are the eyes that can't see me
These are the hands that drop your trust
These are the boots that kick you 'round
This is the tongue that speaks on the inside
These are the ears that ring with hate
This is the face that'll never change
This is the fist that grinds you down
This is the voice of silence no more

Saturday, June 27, 2009

My Love....

A knife in the chest
And a heart in each hand,
I shall go die on the moon
to see you each dawn.

When the earth rises
And I fall into bed,
A smile without her lips
Is love without her mouth

I am alone and without blame
And I do what I can,
One so far from others
And so close to bliss

I don’t dislike other people
I just need to go,
I am only an astronaut
Unable to tell her I love her

If no one believes
You can die for a girl,
I’ll erase the past
With the prick of a needle

If she comes looking for me
Tell her she’s too beautiful,
I’ve gone far, far away
Just to be with her.

If I died of happiness
And I covered my ass,
Never again would I scare
Those who’ve ceased to love

From cradle to grave
From their heart to their body,
We all carry our weight
From our life to our death

And when you’ve survived love
When you’ve survived hate,
You’ll know that on earth
We are born on the last day,
My love….