The 25 Things I'm Thankful For...

1. I can laugh everyday...even if it is at myself

2. It is what it is....if I can live by this rule...the world doesn't have to be a confusing place....It doesn't need to make sense to me.

3. My sweetheart

4. My ability to SEE the good in people, and then have them PROVE it to me on their own

5. everyone who has passed through my life, and taught me a lesson, easy or hard, it needed to be done.

6. my ability to paint away my pain

7. I can cry and feel miserable, but it eventually gets better

8. I have a safe home

9. I have friends who love me, and I them

10. I'm not afraid to die...I'd just like to delay it for a while

11. The feelings that come with falling in love...the rollercoasters...weeeeeee!!!

12. that I can see the light, and I know what my focus is supposed to be.

13. that I am learning patience. (it's sometimes akin to learning to LIKE being dragged backwards down the stairs...but it's a necessicary lesson)

14. Knowing that today I can make better decisions than I did yesterday, because today I know more

15. That Nikki thought of me, and asked me if I wanted to go to Dominican? on vacation with her and Emily

16. that I am able to live my life without medication

17. that I have progressed past the life sucks phase (hopefully to never return!)

18. that I can go to New York this summer and meet my twitter friends.

19. all the new experiences that I have had in the last year, that I didn't let myself chicken out of.

20. That I have a new job, that I will succeed in...even if it means I've got to teach it to myself

21. That I will be out of debt soon if I follow my own plan..

The Lessons That I've Learned,,,

Most of the lessons that I've learned in my 46 years have not been from who I have expected. When you're a kid, the biggest influence in your active decision making, is what you have seen from your parents.

I have learned many things from my mom and dad.

From my mom, I learned to be independent...I learned I could do anything if I just worked hard enough. I learned that education was the key to success. I also learned that fear can numb you to the bone, so that you hibernate from life. I learned how to be bitterly angry, and how to hold a grudge. I learned that one mistake, and I could be unceremoniously cut out of your life too, like all the friends you have turned aside.

From my father, I learned....how to treat people like they are inferior. How it feels to be so unimportant to your own father that he can't even remember your birthday. How limiting no education is.

Enter Peggy's parents...Mike and Irene....

Irene and Mike are such a wonderful couple. They joke and laugh and I'm sure they have had their problems along the way...but they never stopped loving each other. They never stopped supporting each other. They are a few years younger than my parents...and they are my example. MY BEST EXAMPLE.

I hope with all my heart, that I have the kind of relationship with someone that they have. The kind and accepting type of Love that can change someone who's spinning out of control. The kind of Love that lets people grow and still be close. The kind of Love that is not restrictive or oppressive...

So this blog post is dedicated to them. The ones that put me on the right path, even thought they probably had no idea how much of an effect they had on me when I was 18 and angry at the world. Thank You for being the best example I could have ever had.

First Vacation EVER!

It started as a joke really....Peggy's parents are in Florida, and I haven't seen the two of them together in probabily 15 years. We started planning it as a lark, counting air miles and such...just to see if it was really feasable.
If I'd have known what I know today, I never would have hesitated. Florida is amazing! I saw tons of cool things, although the culture shock is very much part of the journey. Everyone I met was fantastic, interesting and all around fun people. I so nearly met a twitter friend...lesbiantrucker...we were 10 miles from each other...but we will meet when it's in the cards.
Lizards...how cool! I've never seen one before...so cute and interesting!

And the beach! Now I understand what a beach is really supposed to be...In Ottawa, it's so not the same! Fine sandy beaches, rolling waves, sea shells, the smell of the salt water, and the total exaustion of a few hours around this beauty. So much to take in...one time is not enough...so we went three times! I want to remember walking on the beach when it's -40 degrees celcius in Ottawa. This may get me through.
I collected a few sea shells, and was facinated when we came across a sea star in the pile. Peggy carefully moved him back to the sea. We also freed a little tiny fish that was washed ashore.

I also met a new friend....

This is Peggy and her mom...so glad they are together. Don't they look cute? This is Fort Myers Beach..
The sunsets are worth moving here for...that and all the beautiful people....ok, more the sunsets...

Lastly, on those horrible days, those ones that threaten to drag me under...I want to remember to watch this...

I will post the Disney pictures and videos later!

Should as a word

Words are powerful...and there are many words in the English language that ooze confidence and strength. However, there is one word that I find offensive in the strongest way.

It is used to give advice, personal opinion or a recommendation to someone else, or ourselves. It expresses a personal opinion and is much weaker and more personal than 'must' or 'have to'. It is often introduced by ' I think'.

It is the word "should".

This word takes away our personal power. I often say it to myself, and I've made a conscious effort to stop using it in my dialogue. It is usually accompanied with an admonishing tone in my mind....
"I should have...done something different".
"I made the wrong choice, I THINK I should have done the other thing instead".

Both of those sentences are examples of taking away your own power. I have chosen to do something, and by second guessing myself...I rob myself of the lesson that comes with the choice.

"You should do...." is just as bad. That is taking away someone else's power over their own choices.

The brain is a powerful thing....giving it the wrong information is like handing a kid a loaded gun. Change negative self-talk to positive affirmations...every little bit helps!

1,608 miles...It doesn't look that substantial on Google Maps at all.

Somedays it feels wider than the whole world...some moments a piece of paper wouldn't slip comfortably between us.

I work hard at understanding the "why's" behind something that, really I'm not supposed to know...Like why we have to live so far away from each other. I know I have lessons to learn and no matter how much I want to say, "Ok, I've got it...Can I move on now?" that isn't the way things seem to work.

So I will try to learn my major lesson, PATIENCE. I am not really a patient person by nature...but it is something I am learning...moment by painful moment. I will breathe deeply and try not to freak out at the injustice of it all...and look at the big picture...where I am happy that I've seen your soul...seen your kindness and caring for others...seen everything that encompasses you...PERFECTION!

October 7th, 2009

Today Shannon and I started our second workshop. The first few classes always make me nervous...and I am always so glad when it's over. Almost forgot the picture again, so this is in the parking lot at the hospital just before going home...Someone sent me a few wonderful pictures that distracted me from my nervousness...alot. Thank You!

I'm having trouble...

October 6th, 2009
A Long day, and yes, I forgot the picture detail of my day...so I got it in at 11:57pm...