Am I Who I Think I Am?

People are always telling me things about myself, that I don't know if I believe or not.


I guess it comes down to self-image. I have always had a poor self image, and I guess a poor body image goes hand in hand with that too.


When I was little, I never felt good enough. I felt like I had no control of my own life, like I guess most kids do...but my parents were going through a nasty divorce, and they both played me against the other.


Food was a big thing in my house. Since my father rarely paid child support without "motivation", there were slim pickings some days. There was a no wasting in the house ever...which definately started some fights, because I was a very picky eater. I remember sitting infront of pea soup for 2 days...every meal...and I still didn't eat it.


Food was used as a humiliation and a reward, which can be confusing.


"You're gaining weight you know...Why don't you go outside and play?"


Oh, you got an A in math...here I baked you some cookies!"


And I guess the topper was my stepfather started calling me "Jennifridge".


That little jibe did more than tip the scale...literally.


So I ate.


And when I got older, I was the wild kid. I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I had high grades...87.5 average, without studying at all...so I decided I could finish high school without living at home. I moved out.


I worked a full time night job Sunday to Thursday and went to school Monday to Friday and partied like a rockstar friday and saturdays.


I graduated, and didn't even attend my grad...no one would go with me anyways. I slid my way through life, and never really had any goals...I used to tell my mother that I was going to die like Janis Joplin...why not? I felt like her...



When I am in the mood for a good cry, I listen to 2 songs by Jann Arden...Unloved and