Thursday, September 10, 2009

Am I Who I Think I Am?

People are always telling me things about myself, that I don't know if I believe or not.

I guess it comes down to self-image. I have always had a poor self image, and I guess a poor body image goes hand in hand with that too.

When I was little, I never felt good enough. I felt like I had no control of my own life, like I guess most kids do...but my parents were going through a nasty divorce, and they both played me against the other.

Food was a big thing in my house. Since my father rarely paid child support without "motivation", there were slim pickings some days. There was a no wasting in the house ever...which definately started some fights, because I was a very picky eater. I remember sitting infront of pea soup for 2 days...every meal...and I still didn't eat it.

Food was used as a humiliation and a reward, which can be confusing.

"You're gaining weight you know...Why don't you go outside and play?"

Oh, you got an A in I baked you some cookies!"

And I guess the topper was my stepfather started calling me "Jennifridge".

That little jibe did more than tip the scale...literally.

So I ate.

And when I got older, I was the wild kid. I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I had high grades...87.5 average, without studying at I decided I could finish high school without living at home. I moved out.

I worked a full time night job Sunday to Thursday and went to school Monday to Friday and partied like a rockstar friday and saturdays.

I graduated, and didn't even attend my one would go with me anyways. I slid my way through life, and never really had any goals...I used to tell my mother that I was going to die like Janis Joplin...why not? I felt like her...

When I am in the mood for a good cry, I listen to 2 songs by Jann Arden...Unloved and

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